Jason Issacs: Issacs plays Lautner's fake dad. His scenes with him show that Issacs truely cares for his fake son. So, of course, he ends up dead.

 

 

Alfred Molina: Molina plays a dirty government agent after Lautner and his dim-bulb brain girlfriend. He's bland as Hell and I voted for him on my nominating ballot.

 

Sigourney Weaver: Weaver plays Lautner's therapist... or is she? Her acting is well below her usual standard and it's clear she's aware of it.

 

Michael Nyqvist: He plays the big bad of the movie. At one point, he threatens to kill Lautner's Facebook friends. Fortunately, Michael was in Mission: Impossible 4, so that must aliviate the pain.

 

 

Lily Collins: Collins is just bad here as Lautner's dim-bulb brained girlfriend. Her main purporse is to kiss Taylor and get captured.

 

John Singleton and Shawn Christensen: Singleton is the down-on-his-luck director who's forced to direct brain-dead star vehicles. Christensen is the brain-dead writer (and singer for a band called Stellastarr*, yes really) who crapped out this script.

 

Taylor Lautner: Last year, Robert Pattinson gave a decent performance in the decent movie Water For Elephants, which was a decent box-office hit. He may not be in a bread-line in a couple years. Lautner, on the other hand, is definitely going to be there! Kristen Stewart well probably be there too, so he won't be alone. Casting Lautner in this was a massively dumb move. Teenage girls only care about him when he's Jacob and teenage boys loath him. Sane movie-goers agree with the teenage boys.

 

Apparantly, the last shot of Taylor's real dad is an homage to Assassin's Creed. As someone who's blown hours on the Assassin's Creed series, may Altair slay Shawn Christensen where he stands. Grade: D-

 

Next-up: Bucky Larson!!!!

 

Also, I've ponied up the $35 to become a Razzie voter!!!