And, yes, they were that bad.

 

 

 

And I have no problem spoiling the spoiled. . .

 

The plot is about:

Beth, a New York art curator played by Kristin Bell, who is in love with her job, and who must find someone she loves more than her job before she would marry, going to Italy to be at her little sister's wedding when she should be working the kinks out of getting a rare artpiece to the Guggenheim for a fundraising exhibit, finding Nick Beamon, a handsome klutz of a sportswriter played by Josh Duhamel, and she falls in love with him and he with her, and they get separated, but she spots him and follows him outside where she sees him kissing a woman in a red dress, and instead of confronting him and sparing us any second more of this mostly unfunny movie (I confess, I did laugh four times), decides to hide the wine bottle, the wine glasses and herself from Nick's sight, and then goes to the fountain, and drinks half if not most of the bottle, and wades into the fountain completely snonkered, chews out the statue of Venus and picks up five coins - well, actually four coins and a poker chip - and voila, or whatever the expression is in Italian, the five guys fall in love with her and stalk her in every sense of the word as part of the curse of the fountain on anyone who takes its coins.

 

And yes, the rest of the movie is just as disjointed as that run-on sentence.

 

But, let's talk about what was good.  Now, despite Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel being on the nominating ballot for worst actress and worst actor, they really did a fine job with the roles they were given and the disjointed script they had to smoothe out.  Of course, their respective agents should have taken that script and scribbled "REWRITE" on every page, but that opportunity is long gone.  And there was four times I did laugh, like when Beth tried to break the vase during her sister's wedding ceremony up until she bounced it into the groom's mother, or when the four stalkers drive Beth into an elevator in the Guggenheim in a small car and Beth asks the elevator operator to take them to the fifth floor.  It seemed well-filmed, too, so give a thumbs up to the cinematographer, and the studio didn't feel compelled to convert this movie into 3-D. . . .

 

Okay, I'm stretching things out.  That's about it for the good stuff.  When in Rome is a movie that lurches from one direction to another to another, and although there are certain times it tries to be a romantic rom, it fails with each lurch.  As for the comedic com, it is too few and far between, filled with many unfunny sequences such as the restaurant in the dark sequence where Nick takes Beth for dinner when the four stalkers show up with night vision glasses.  Or how about Beth's three so-called friends at the beginning of the movie, letting her ramble on about her ex when her ex is standing right there.  Or Nick, who as a teenage football player was struck by lightning, running through New York in a lightning storm trying to get back with Beth who forgot he was in love with her BEFORE she picked up the poker chip. . . .

 

The worst?  Danny DeVito.  I mean, he performed his character Al as written.  But that's the problem.  It was a horrible character.  All the guys who fell in love with Beth when she picked up those coins were horrible characters.

 

So, what, you're telling me that the characters were SUPPOSED to be horrible?  You're sounding like Sandra Bullock during her acceptance speech last year.  Let me tell you something about horrible characters.  In every horrible character, even in the villains, the audience wants to like them, to identify with them, if only to like them as horrible characters if not anything else.  If your character is so horrible that the audience doesn't like them, doesn't want to watch them, doesn't want anything to do with them, then why are you putting that character up on the screen.  Like I said earlier, "REWRITE!"

 

So, it was unnerving seeing Danny DeVito, with all his talent, portray a character that was beneath him.  Bless his heart, he did himself no favors doing this movie except to collect a paycheck.  Not to overdo the Get Shorty part, but DeVito is a great actor, and so I don't like it when he isn't in a great role.

 

And that whole bit about Beth's ex breaking up with her in Applebees.  Does it really matter that he did it in Applebees?  Is that supposed to be funny?  I guess so, because it kept coming up in the first 15 minutes.

 

And one last thing - stalking.  I've seen a lot of stalking portrayed in a number of films, such as Superman Returns or Good Luck Chuck or Management or When in Rome.  It doesn't matter that the character in question has x-ray vision or is under a fountain curse.  It's not good.  It certainly isn't funny.  It's creepy.  It's humiliating.  It's invasive.  Portray it for what it is.

 

Oh, and yes, there is a flashback.  Remember that Nick was struck in lightning at a football game.  The director felt compelled to show it to us. 

 

I gave it three out of ten stars.  I must be feeling generous.

 

Razzie noms.  Razzie noms.  I wish Danny DeVito, Dax Shepard, Will Arnett and Jon Heder were nominated in the Worst Couple/Ensemble category as the Four Stalkers of the Apocalypse.  Worst Screenplay.  Worst Director for Mark Steven Johnson (who is also responsible for Ghost Rider and Daredevil - well, at least he put down his comic books long enough to try something different). 

 

 

I worded my question wrong. I should've said... one movie from before January 1, 2000, and one from after that date.

 

 

 

Personally, I think this is one of the worst movies I've seen that wasn't directed by Ed Wood. I didn't laugh a single time, and it's supposed to be a comedy. This is definite "Worst Picture" material, and I wholeheartedly disagree that Kristen Bell is one of Hollywood's prettiest and most talented actresses! She looks beady-eyed and anorexic, and isn't even talented to pull off a nothing role that requires zero acting ability. Worst actress, here she comes!

And then people wonder why I hate Hollywood so much and have no faith in it.