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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Forum member reviews
    Posted: October 25 2014 at 12:40pm
So... I'm guessing you're not a big fan of Cinema Sins? I am.
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SchumacherH8ter View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2014 at 8:58am
1.) Movies aren't shot all at once, so errors within a scene are bound to happen. Stuff like Sean Connery's tie in The Untouchables changing styles or the sexy time handprint in Titanic changing size are inconsequential.

2.) Worse. Much worse.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2014 at 7:08am
1) Why?
2) Is that better or worse?
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

I usually mention goofs and I consider people who make videos of movie goofs to be bottom-feeder critics.

Good news: the inexplicably upcoming Ring Three won't involve Ehren Kruger. Bad news: it will be written by Akiva Goldsman. Goddammit.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 24 2014 at 7:10pm
Time for one of the most disappointing horror sequels of the last ten years. The original film bucked the trend of terrible remakes of Asian horror movies. Yes, I'm reviewing...
                                        
The Ring Two.

The only good thing about the film is Naomi Watts' performance. Granted, it can't compare to her performance in the first one but it's still an OK performance. And she's a helluva lot better than she was in Diana and Movie 43.

All of the other actors in the film are crappy. Simon Baker is crappy as Rachel's (Watts) boss. You'll be cheering when he dies. Sissy Spacek is shockingly bad as Evelyn, Samara's biological mother who's in a loony bin. David Dorfman (decent in the original) is hilariously bad as Aiden this time around. He's at his worst in the scenes where he's possessed by Samara. Director Hideo Nakata does a poor job. Bafflingly, he directed the original Japanese Ringu. He doesn't seem to care about the film. As evidence, there several blatant goofs. Now, I usually mention goofs and I consider people who make videos of movie goofs to be bottom-feeder critics. However, the on-screen goofs in this film are f*cking blatant. Like, the motorcycle tire changing in Mission: Impossible II blatant. Like, Michael Caine's shirt becoming dry instantly in Jaws: The Revenge blatant. The biggest example is when Rachel discovers Max's body. When first discovered, the body looks like Samara's normal victims. When we see it next, it looks normal.

The worst performance in the film comes from Elizabeth Perkins. She plays a doctor who accuses Rachel of abuse. She's so bad, that it makes you yearn for the actors I called crappy in the last paragraph because at least they're better! Much like Max, you'll be cheering when she dies. The special effects are terrible. When we see Samara at the end, she looks crappy. Remember, the crappy effects from The Rage: Carrie 2? Well, this film is on par with it despite coming six years after it. And then there's the infamous deer scene. In it, Rachel and Aiden are attacked by a herd of painfully bad CGI deer. Of course, even if the deer looked realistic it would still be funny because of the crappy directing. Ostensibly, they're attacking because they sense Samara in Aiden. While watching it, I made a joke that Aiden had rolled around in berries and the deer wanted to eat him. I think this works better. The absolute worst thing about the film is the script. It was written by Ehren Kruger, so no explanation is needed.

Good news: the inexplicably upcoming Ring Three won't involve Ehren Kruger. Bad news: it will be written by Akiva Goldsman. Goddammit. Grade: F
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 7:10pm
Time for one of the worst horror sequels of all time. It's a bad movie that's a slap in the face to the original. This unfortunate film is...
                                  
Pet Sematary Two.

About the only decent thing in this film is Clancy Brown as the asshole sheriff Gus. In a film full of zombies, he's the most terrifying thing in it. And that's before he becomes a zombie himself.

One of the big issues with the film is the sense of deja vu in the early scenes. There's a dead pet and, you guessed it, its owner Drew (Jason McGuire) and his friend Jeff (Goddamn Edward Furlong)* bury it in the Pet Sematary. It comes back and kills Gus, who is buried in the Sematary too. The film also passes up a chance to fix one of the issues I had with the first one. In the book, it's heavily implied that the power of the Pet Sematary comes from Wendigos and one actually shows up in the book. In addition to being cool, it would make the characters more likable: it's explained that they have a psychic hold over people who bury people there. It would explain why people keep burying dead things there. But no, they don't do this and the characters come off as dumb because of it.

The film alters the rule of what happens to humans brought back with the Sematary to its detriment. Instead of being creepy "Are they normal or not?" creatures like in the first one, the humans brought back are loud and over-the-top. The worst example of this is with Gus. After he gets brought back, he goes from terrifying to comical. Clancy Brown tries to make it work, but he can't overcome the awful script. Bafflingly, Gus seems to control the other beings brought back with the Sematary, something not even hinted at in the original. Even more baffling, people involved with the original were involved with this. Mary Lambert directed both of the films. I know that she didn't write either one, but wouldn't she have noticed this discrepancy and brought it up to the higher-ups? Then again, considering how her directing is crappy, maybe she didn't care and this was just a paycheck role. The actors that aren't Clancy Brown are terrible. Anthony Edwards is terrible as Jeff's dad, Chase. Jared Rushton is awful as the bully turned Sematary zombie. Worst of all is Edward Furlong. His character is depressed over the death of his mother, and Furlong is so awful that didn't feel bad for him. Also, two of the characters (Drew and his MILF of a mom) get killed by potatoes! What could I say that's funnier than that?

The Rage: Carrie 2 is no longer the worst Stephen King adaptation I've reviewed this month. Grade: F

*This was his follow-up to Terminator 2 and there have been few follow-up screw-ups as bad as this example.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 4:07pm
I hadn't even heard there was a sequel to Donnie Darko because I didn't believe it was possible that there would be people stupid enough to try and make one. Look at the sequels/rip-offs of 2001 and Mean Girls and what masterpieces they turned out to be!!!

It just can't work under any circumstance because of the kind of movies those are. They're once-in-a-generation classics that shouldn't be messed w/ and besides, they never made a sequel to Vertigo, why make a sequel if there was never intended to be one? Especially seeing how risky and unique Donnie Darko is to begin with!!! Its the lowest, most obvious form of a cash grab, taking the some elements of a beloved classic, then screw it up horribly. Breaks my heart.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 11:18am
1) Why would it be a joke?
2) Only if the viewer considers it to be canon to the 1st movie. A lot of people don't because Bret Easton Ellis said it wasn't.
3) What took you so long? I've always found her to be hot.

Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

her professor (played by, no joke, William Shatner).

It retroactively ruins American Psycho

I think Daveigh Chase is hot now.

So you haven't seen it? Had you even heard of it before?
Originally posted by JacobD

Donnie Darko is in my opinion, one of the greatest motion pictures ever made as well as one of my all-time favorite movies which leads me to ask WHY WOULD THEY MAKE A f**kING SEQUEL?!?!?!?!!

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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 12:51am
Guardians Of The Galaxy is my 6th favorite film of 2014.

As for movies that I cried at, there's literally only one film I've cried at: Pokemon: The First Movie, back in 1999 when I was 7.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 12:04am
In your review of Scooby-Doo, you say you don't like James Gunn. What did you think of Guardians of the Galaxy? And he did write the Dawn of the Dead remake AND did a kick-ass job of it IMHO. Look it up for yourself!

I also thought Slither was a ton of fun until the last 15 minutes which kind of dragged a little and have heard mostly positive things about Super.

Good review of S. Darko. I cried hard at the end of Donnie Darko and I'm glad you loved it also!!!

By the way, what movies have you ever cried at, if any?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 21 2014 at 11:20pm
Here is my review of S. Darko. Two things about it: 1.) It's my very first Rotten Asshole review and 2.) I've reversed my opinion on one thing mentioned in the review: I think Daveigh Chase is hot now.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 21 2014 at 11:04pm
Donnie Darko is in my opinion, one of the greatest motion pictures ever made as well as one of my all-time favorite movies which leads me to ask WHY WOULD THEY MAKE A f**kING SEQUEL?!?!?!?!!

Didn't anyone learn anything from 2010, the sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey? You don't mess with perfection, and you especially don't make a sequel-any sequel unless there is intended to be one!!! Have you done a review, if not please do so, and if so could you please send me a link like you did to your American Beauty essay?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 21 2014 at 8:34pm
I've got something really bad to review tonight. If it wasn't a direct-to-video sequel, it'd be on my most hated list. With the exception of S. Darko, it's the worst direct-to-video sequel ever. This wretched excuse for a film is...
                                      
American Psycho 2. Since American Psycho 2 is so bereft of positive qualities, it can only be reviewed with a 9 Worst things review. Also, there will be spoilers but f*ck this movie! It doesn't deserve to be seen.

9.) There's literally nothing to do with American Psycho after the opening: After the opening scene, this film ceases to be about American Psycho. Even worse, the film isn't even similar tonally to American Psycho. There's no satire in it. As you could probably guess, this wasn't originally supposed to be a sequel to American Psycho. As bad as The Rage: Carrie 2 was, at least that felt more like a sequel than this one. At least there's evidence that Katt Shea saw Carrie.

8.) Lindy Booth: Booth plays Cassandra, a student sleeping with her professor (played by, no joke, William Shatner). He makes her his teaching assistant because of this. This angers Rachael (Mila Kunis), so she kills her. Booth gives a crappy performance.

7.) Stupid cops: There's been dumb cops in movies before, but these might be the dumbest. They make the cops from Reno! 911 look like geniuses. Not only can they not solve the murders, they also can't seem to handle Mila Kunis, who's tiny as f*ck!

6.) Terrible post-kill puns: Lending further evidence that the makers didn't see the original, Rachael says terrible puns after killing people. Did they think that Patrick Bateman was a Freddy Krueger-like killer? The closest thing to a post-kill pun in American Psycho is after Patrick kills Paul Allen and says "Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, you f*cking stupid bastard!" The nadir is after she strangles Brian with a condom. She says "Ribbed, for her pleasure." Bleech!

5.) Morgan J. Freeman: Freeman is the director of this. He shows no skill whatsoever. He's also a producer for 16 And Pregnant and Teen Mom, so he's a terrible person in addition to being a terrible director.

4.) The script: Not only is this film a terrible sequel, it's a terrible movie on its own too. There's several glaring plotholes. Rachael says there was nothing connecting her to the opening murder, but there's a witness and one of the victims is her babysitter. Also, several of her kills have nothing to do with her stated goal of becoming a TA. Also, the film has the gall to try and set up a sequel.

3.) Robin Dunne: Dunne is the patron saint of terrible DTV sequels*. He plays Brian, the guy who gets choked by a condom. If this sounds dumb, it plays out even worse in action. Dunne gives a characteristically awful performance.

2.) Mila Kunis: Starring in this movie is almost as embarrassing as having a baby with Ashton Kutcher. Kunis gives a terrible performance as Rachael. It's hard to believe that this is the same woman from Black Swan.

1.) It retroactively ruins American Psycho: The film's only connection to American Psycho is not only the worst thing about the film, but it actually makes American Psycho worse. In the opening scene, Patrick is torturing Rachael's babysitter to death when Rachael stabs him with an ice pick. Why was Patrick torturing her? Patrick only killed yuppies and prostitutes in the first one. He killed other types of people in the book but I don't think the filmmakers can read, so let's ignore the book for now. They try to explain it late in the film: Shatner was dating the babysitter, he told her about Bateman, and she decided to track him down. However, this just makes things worse. One of the points of the film (and book) was that '80s culture was so sociopathic, that he fit in perfectly. Bateman shouldn't be on any government watchlist. Beyond all of this, it ruins the ambiguity of the film. That's one of the most revered parts of the film, and this piece of sh*t sh*ts all over it!

Here's the top-rated trivia item from this film's IMDb page: Mila Kunis is ashamed of this movie. Grade: Rotten Asshole

*In addition to this, he was in Cruel Intentions 2, The Skulls II, and Species III.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 21 2014 at 6:54pm
Origins had a perfect balance of comedy and drama IMHO. It was a fun action movie w/ some solid emotional moments, and I loved every second of it!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 21 2014 at 5:30pm
INDEPENDENCE DAY is often called a "stupid but fun movie" because audiences were expected to turn off their brains. ORIGINS was meant to be a serious movie, but it failed to reach most viewers' emotions.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 21 2014 at 4:34pm
I though X-men Origins was a great movie, but we can have our opinions and respectfully disagree. I thought it was fun not stupid, in the same way Independence Day isn't stupid at all, its FUN. Get it?

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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 21 2014 at 9:47am
1.) Because I decided to review the remake, which was more recent.
2.) I didn't watch Prison Break.
3.) Maybe.

Also, X-Men Origins was a stupid movie but The Last Stand Stand was a stupid movie that could have been great so it pissed me off more.
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