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JacobD View Drop Down
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    Posted: October 18 2014 at 10:49pm
Can we both agree SchumacherH8ter, that End of Days should have been nominated for Worst Picture instead of The Blair Witch Project, one of the most groundbreaking and influential movies of all time?!?! The ONLY reason Blair Witch got nominated was due to its brilliant marketing ploy where it was kept a secret until the day of its release whether it was real or fake. sh*t, the fact it successfully fooled so many people is a testament to how unbelievably well-made it was!!!!! That means it did its job perfectly, it deserved Oscars, not f**king Razzies!!!! I just want to know if we're on the same page here, that's all. Can we both agree that Blair Witch shouldn't have been nominated for anything? All film is illusion, and that movies legendary marketing technique proved that more than MOST HORROR FILMS in cinema history have IMHO.

And c'mon man, Kevin Pollack was great in The Usual Suspects!!! Don't you like that movie? If not, please tell me why.

Completely agree w/ you on Robin Tunney being one of the hottest women, I just wish she'd do something else besides The Mentalist. Doesn't she kind of remind you of Zooey Deschanel? And you're serious that not even a brief nude scene is worth seeing it for?! ITS THAT AWFUL, really?!?!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 18 2014 at 8:46pm
Since today is the 18th and 18 divided by 3 is 6 which translates into 6+6+6, I'm reviewing a devilishly bad film. That film is...
                                    
the Razzie-nominated End Of Days. This movie is so bad, that only a 9 worst things review can do it justice.

9.) Arnold Schwarzenegger: Casting Ah-nold as a man who fights Satan could have been an entertaining film. However, the role that he's given here is inappropriate to his "talents." I understand that actors want to move out of their comfort zones sometimes, but couldn't he have chosen a different role that was more suited to his "talents." He'd be higher, but some of his dialogue (i.e. "Thomas A-qui-nas," "You're a f*cking CHOIR BOY next to me!") sounds funny coming out of his mouth and in a movie this bad you have to take the nuggets of unintentional comedy you can get.

8.) The subway scene: In one scene, damsel in distress Christine York (Robin Tunney) is on a subway when she's accosted by an albino black guy. The albino black guy then shatters and his face is smiling still. It's then revealed that this was just a dream sequence. The scene's so random and bizarre that it adds nothing to the film.

7.) The devil's random acts of evil: The devil (an entertainingly over-the-top Gabriel Byrne) has several bizarre and random acts of evil that are more laugh-inducing than scare-inducing. There's the infamous mother daughter threeway that he has, but the funniest is when he runs into the kids with "Satan Rules" written on his shirt. The devil complements him on his attire, but the kid thinks he's just some stuffy business man and skateboards away because this movie was made in the '90s. The devil then causes a bus to hit him. The devil is saddened by this, because that shirt was the shiznit.

6.) The new and unimproved Guns N Roses: One of the marketing points of the film was that the first original Guns N Roses in almost a decade was going to be featured. One problem: it was the Slash-free Guns N Roses. Another problem: the song (Oh My God) f*cking sucked!

5.) Robin Tunney: Tunney is, without a doubt, one of the hottest women on the planet. She's also a decent actress. So, it's baffling that she turns in an awful performance in this. She plays the aforementioned Christine York, a woman prophesied to have babies with the devil. Not even a brief nude scene can save her performance.

4.) Kevin Pollak: Pollak plays the wacky, wise-cracking partner in this movie. Then the devil sets him on fire and he joins up with him. Since he doesn't want to kill Ah-nold, the devil sets him on fire again. Pollak gives his usual crappy performance.

3.) The Satanists are idiots: For a group of people dedicated to causing the end of the world, the Satanists don't do a very good job. For starters, they could have brainwashed Christine into accepting her fate as the devil's baby mama. They could have at least thrown in a comment about her having to be pure of spirit, but they didn't. In another stupid decision, after crucifying Ah-nold they don't kill him. The devil said he wants to see the world end, but couldn't they have de-limbed him at the least. Because they keep his limbs intact, Ah-nold is rescued by Priest Rod Steiger and their plan is ruined.

2.) Peter Hyams: Peter Hyams is the director of this, 2010, The Relic, and A Sound Of Thunder. His best movie is Timecop, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. No explanation is needed for why he deserves to be on here or why he got a worst director nomination.

1.) The film's too dark for its own good: If End Of Days had a lighter tone, it might be more fondly remembered. But because it's so oppressively grim, it sucks out almost all of the joy that might have been had. Other than Gabriel Byrne as the devil, no one is having any fun. Earlier Ah-nold films like Commando and The Running Man were dumb*, but they were a blast to watch. This film is just dreary.

In a normal week, this would have been the worst movie I reviewed. However, this is only the fourth worst film I've reviewed this week! Grade: F

*But not as dumb as this one!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 18 2014 at 6:40am
I wouldn't recommend it. It bored me too much to be a guilty pleasure.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 17 2014 at 8:59pm
It's worth watching for the opening scene and Marguiles, so kind of yes.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 17 2014 at 8:45pm
Even w/ all those problems you mentioned SchumacherH8ter, would you recommend it as a fun stupid schlock fest for someone who enjoys B-movies? Yes, I know you gave it a C-, but based on those criteria, would you recommend it to me? Or is it really just a total waste?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 17 2014 at 7:52pm
Time for a movie that starts promisingly and then completely sh*ts itself at the end. My next review is of...
                                       
Ghost Ship.

Ghost Ship has, without a doubt, one of the best opening scenes in horror movie history. In it, the passengers on a cruise ship are dancing when a wire cuts through everyone except for a little girl played by a young Emily Browning. It's a gruesome and creepy scene, especially when the top of the captain's head slides off. Julianna Marguiles also gives a decent performance. Then again, she's never given a bad performance.

Other than Marguiles, all of the other actors aren't very good with Gabriel Byrne being the worst of them. They just don't seem to care about the material. However, there's a good reason for why they don't care: executive meddling! When the actors signed up for the movie, it was supposed to be a psychological thriller with no implicit supernatural elements. When it came time to shoot, Joel Silver had turned into the supernatural schlockfest that it is now. The actors were reportedly angry about this dick move. I'd put the executive meddling in the ugly section, except it also made the opening scene better.* There's one aspect of the meddling that is in the ugly section though. The Italian featured in the film is hilariously bad. I'd normally let this go, but when someone whose knowledge of the Italian language amount amounts to a semester and half in college can point out how bad it is, it deserves to be mentioned.

The worst part of the film is the character of Ferriman. He's an invention of Joel Silver. He's a Canadian pilot who tells the salvage crew about the title ghost ship. The worst thing about him is the twist surrounding him. It turns out he's actually a demon who corrupts souls for his boss Satan. This twist is hilariously dumb. The worst part is that it's completely unnecessary. There didn't need to be a demon corrupting people into killing each other. It could have been simple human greed that caused it.

The film might not be good, but it's a massive improvement over the two films I reviewed yesterday. Grade: C-

*In the original script, the wire just sliced the heads off. The version they shot is creepier-sounding and more unnerving.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 17 2014 at 7:31am
1) Really? I literally laughed at her performance.
2) A non-famous actor getting the "and" credit after a bunch of A-listers is much better than a 2nd billing. The "and" credit emphazises her name. Besides, if she had been billed 2nd, 2 of 3 A-listers would've gotten the "and" and the "with" credits.
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

The only good performance comes from Lili Taylor, who plays the lead.* Her performance isn't great, but it's better than the movie deserves.

*Because poster makers are stupid, she's given the "and" treatment. I understand she's not a big star, but they could have billed her second.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2014 at 11:42pm
Oh, thanks!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2014 at 11:04pm
The Psycho remake was on my list of the worst movies ever made and The Haunting remake wasn't, so that should answer that question.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2014 at 10:50pm
Great. NOW which is worse, the Psycho remake-rip-off or The Haunting remake. And please tell me in great detail why, for I am curious.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2014 at 10:16pm
Michael Bay's The Amtyville Horror, although that's less about its quality and more about those other two being impossibly worse.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2014 at 8:11pm
Question SchumacherH8ter : The AmityBay Remake, the Haunting Remake, or the Psycho remake/rip-off? Which is the best, if you had to pick one, and why?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2014 at 6:41pm
Time for my double review of two absolutely painful haunted house movies. The first is a moronic sequel to a moronic movie that was followed by even more moronic sequels. The whole franchise is so bad, that when Michael Bay produced a remake, it was actually better! Yes, I'm reviewing the Razzie-nominated...
Amityville II: The Possession. This one is so awful, that it deserves a 9 Worst Things review.

9.) Did they even know the film was set in 1974?: Despite being set a year before the first Amityville Horror, which took place in 1975, there are several anachronistic parts. Normally, I'd let this go but there'll so hilariously blatant that it can't go unmentioned. There's a poster for Rocky (released in '76), there's cars from the '80s, and a Walkman is featured, despite being created in '79. That last one is responsible for the next point...

8.) Demonic Walkman: While listening to his Walkman from the future, Sonny Montelli hears voices telling him to kill his family. It's so poorly done, it's impossible not to laugh.

7.) Burt Young: Young plays the patriarch of the Montelli family, Anthony. He's an abusive lout and Young gives a crappy performance. I'm honestly surprised that he didn't get a Razzie nomination.

6.) The script: The script for this movie is dumb dumb dumb. Its ideas for what's scary is stupid and, when you think about it, is impressively offensive.

5.) The demon inside: While he's being exorcised, Sonny tears off his flesh and a demon is underneath it! A really fake and stupid looking demon.

4.) Damiano Damiani: This was Damiani's first American movie. I hope for his sake that he didn't understand English enough to know what he was doing.

3.) Rutanya Alda: Alda plays Dolores, the mother of the Montelli clan. Her performance is wretched and she earned a well-deserved Razzie nomination. Her worst scene is her first one...

2.) The sink is flowing blood, it's probably nothing: In the first five minutes of the film, Dolores turns on the sink and blood spurts out! Her reaction is to ignore it and not tell anyone about it. When people make fun of stupid horror movie characters, it's scenes like this they think of.

1.) Insulting murder victims: The film doesn't use the names of the real murder victims, the DeFeo family. Which is the only thing this film does right, since the film is a disgusting slap in their face. Sonny is shown sleeping with his sister Patricia. Sonny is influenced by demons, but Patricia isn't. They're showing a murder victim to be incestuous. According to Alda, a scene where Anthony raped her character was deleted. Good God, what was wrong with the filmmakers? Bleech!

The other movie I'm reviewing is also terrible. However, it doesn't portray murder victims as sex freaks so it's a slight better. They only thing it perverts is a classic movie. The other film I'm reviewing is...
                                    
Jan de Bont's The Haunting.

The only good performance comes from Lili Taylor, who plays the lead.* Her performance isn't great, but it's better than the movie deserves. Also good is the score by Jerry Goldsmith. He almost always turned in a good score, regardless of quality.

Liam Neeson gives a crappy performance as Dr. Morrow. I kind of wish this movie was made today, because we might have gotten a scene where he beats up a ghost. It'd be stupid, but it could be funny too.

Catherine Zeta-Jones earned a very well-deserved Razzie nomination for her performance in this. She is just awful. I was actually hoping that she'd get killed by the ghost! Also terrible is Owen Wilson. Wilson starred in three crappy blockbusters in the late '90s** and this is the worst of the three. Thankfully, his character dies in a hilarious scene. The special effects are bad. They look fake, even by 1999 standards. Jan de Bont's direction is terrible. Films like this, Speed 2, and Tomb Raider 2 are why he doesn't have a career anymore.

If The Haunting got a solo review, it'd probably be angrier. But since I paired it with morally offensive movie, it looks a slight better. Grades: Fs for both

*Because poster makers are stupid, she's given the "and" treatment. I understand she's not a big star, but they could have billed her second.
**The other two were Anaconda and Armageddon.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2014 at 6:31pm
Great review by the way, moviecritic1994.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2014 at 6:30pm
If you don't agree w/ the "worldwide" consensus, then okay. I'm not a fan of mindless conformity. If the apparent collective opinion does not mirror my own, then who the f**k cares? Movies, as w/ all art are good or bad depending on the tastes of the individual viewer.

Example A: I love Jack and Jill. I think its a really funny movie.

Example B: I hate Gone With The Wind. I think its a racist, sexist, piece of sh*t that should have been at least 2 hours shorter.

You hate the Tree of Life and 2001: A Space Odyssey. I thought the former was a genuine attempt at greatness that fell short and the latter was an authentic work of cinematic art. Agree to disagree, after all, what fun would opinions be if people didn't disagree?

As for Leonard: Part 6? I have no plans on seeing it because (a) I'm not a Bill Cosby fan and (b) I hear its absolutely terrible.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2014 at 1:16pm
And I can totally understand why
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