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SchumacherH8ter View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Forum member reviews
    Posted: October 26 2014 at 7:12pm
Time for my next review, of a forgotten horror movie from the mid-'90s. It got a Razzie nomination and it's a bad movie, but it's not completely without merit. This film is...
                                      
The Ghost And The Darkness.

The scenes with the lions are really good. I wasn't impressed with them the first time I saw it but, after finding out that the lion's actions weren't embellished like I thought, I came around to them. The best scene with them is the scene where they attack the hospital tent. It's a grisly scene that's creepy as Hell. Also good is the score by Jerry Goldsmith. Goldsmith's music can improve even the crappiest of movies.

The scenes where the lions aren't attacking people are boring. Worse, they rip-off scenes from Jaws. One of the characters is a blatant rip-off of Quint, but I'll get to him in the next paragraph. Val Kilmer gives a very bland performance. He doesn't seem to care about the film. Of course, when you find out about the behind-the-scenes screwing over he got on this film it's understandable. Also bland is Emily Mortimer in her very first role. It's not the most embarrassing first role from a respected British actress I've seen*, but it's a crappy performance.

Michael Douglas plays Remington, the Quint of the film. Although, that's not a perfect comparison since the Quint is supposed to be a side-character and Remington is practically the lead. Well, Remington was supposed to be a side-character until a meddling executive turned him into the lead. I won't reveal the name of the executive producer who caused all this, but I will say this: his dad played Spartacus for Kubrick. There's a very good reason why the Quint is almost never the lead: you can't relate to him. He's a larger than life character that is entertaining when in the background but when pushed to the lead, he seems uninteresting.** Also not helping matters is that Douglas gives a crappy performance. Also, this film has one of the most hilariously bad dream sequences ever. I won't spoil it since it's not apparent that it's a dream at first though. It's not a blatant dream sequence like in Jaws: The Revenge.

My initial grade for this was a C-, but I think I was a little too hard on it. Grade: C

*That's still Kristin Scott Thomas in Under The Cherry Moon.
**This may seem hypocritical since I wanted to see Quint in the Jaws prequel that was never made, but it's implied that Quint became the way he was because of that incident so it's not a clear-cut example.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 26 2014 at 12:56pm
1.) I don't mind.

2.) Jaws 2 actually came out before the slasher boom. I was just pointing out how their addition makes the film feel off.

3.) Spielberg hasn't said anything about doing this in a long time and I don't think another actor could do Quint justice.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 26 2014 at 11:54am
You didn't answer my question.
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Most of the characters in the film are teenagers. Annoying teenagers played by actors that are clearly old enough to have graduated college. It makes the film feel more like a Friday The 13th sequel instead of Jaws.

Spielberg said he wanted to do a prequel about Quint's time on the USS Indianapolis. Oh God, could you imagine how awesome that would be?

1) Yesterday I had to re-watch EYES OF A STRANGER and I hated it! Later, I read that it was originally going to be a more traditional thriller, but they decided to change it into a slasher movie to cash in on the success of FRIDAY THE 13TH, HALLOWEEN, etc. Now that I've read your review, I have the feeling that there were more movies that I thought of that went through this changes.
2) It could still be made, right? I mean, they weren't going to use the same actor anyway?

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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2014 at 7:51pm
For my next review, I'm reviewing a sequel that (on its own) isn't that bad. It's not perfect, but it's a decent movie and it's a Helluva lot better than the two films that followed. However, the film it's a sequel to is one of the greatest achievements in cinematic history. My next review is of...
                                      
Jaws 2. I'm doing something different for this review: instead of a 9 worst things or 9 best things, I'm doing the 9 reasons why it's inferior to Jaws. I should mention that the points I'm bringing up don't make the film bad.

9.) No Robert Shaw: The absence of Shaw is heavily missed in this film. This would be higher, except the filmmakers couldn't bring him back sense he died at the end of the first one. The next point, however, the filmmakers could have prevented.

8.) No Richard Dreyfuss: The filmmakers couldn't get Dreyfuss back, so they wrote him out. It's explained that he's on a distant expedition and can't be reached. Considering how he's one of the biggest parts of the first one, the film feels empty without him.

7.) One of the lamest pre-mortem one-liners in movie history: Remember how awesome "Smile you son of a boom" was? In this one, the pre-mortem one-liner is the much less awesome. In this one, it's "Open wide; say aaaah!" It couldn't have compared to the awesomeness of the first film's line, but is this really the best they could have come up with.

6.) Subtle misogyny: After a group of teenagers (more on them in the next point) are stranded in the ocean by the shark, some of them freak out. And by "some of them," I mean the women. One of them gets incredibly hysterical. Meanwhile, the men act calm and collected.

5.) Annoying teenage characters: Most of the characters in the film are teenagers. Annoying teenagers played by actors that are clearly old enough to have graduated college. It makes the film feel more like a Friday The 13th sequel instead of Jaws.

4.) Ramping up Mayor Vaughn's stubbornness: Mayor Vaughn was a stubborn S.O.B. in the original, but his actions in this are awful. He gets proof of the shark's existence at almost every corner: teenagers are killed at sea, an orca washes on share with bites all over it, and there's even a photo of the damn thing. However, he ignores it and explains it away as Brody being paranoid. Remember, this is after a shark ate several people less than five years ago in the movie. Also, remember that great scene in the original when he realizes that his son could have been killed by his stubbornness? It did a good job of humanizing him and it separates him from other asshole authority figures from the films of the era. There was a scene that would have humanized him* but it was deleted, so he spends the whole film being an asshole.

3.) The complete betrayal of Martin Brody's character: The title of this point is a little over-dramatic, since it relates to only one scene, but it still needs pointing out. In this scene, Brody sees what he thinks is the shark so he gets his gun out and starts firing at it. However, it turns out to be just a school of bluefish. This is an incredibly rash decision that could have gotten someone hurt. It's also something that the Brody of the first film would have never done.

2.) Jeannot Szwarc: Szwarc's directing skills are decent enough, but he was doomed to comparisons to Spielberg the second he signed on. The way he sets up the scenes pales in comparison to Spielberg's. One particular bad choice of his is my number 1 reason this film pales in comparison.

1.) Showing the shark more often: Famously, the only reason why the shark wasn't shown more often in the original was because the robot kept malfunctioning. Spielberg's way around it (only showing the shark at the end and keeping it off-screen for most of the film) shows how great he is: he turned a potential film-breaker into one of its strengths. Showing the shark more often in this film turned out to be a mistake. It's not that the shark looks bad; in fact, it looks pretty cool especially once it gets burned. It's just that the scenes with it just aren't as tense as the original's scenes.

Not helping the film's case: Spielberg said he wanted to do a prequel about Quint's time on the USS Indianapolis. Oh God, could you imagine how awesome that would be? Still, the film's OK. If you're watched a marathon of the films, it's decent enough to leave on. Grade: B-

*In it, the selectmen are voting on whether or not to fire Brody. Vaughn is the only one to vote against firing him.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2014 at 7:14pm
But you don't mind when I post those videos here, right?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2014 at 4:26pm
No.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2014 at 12:40pm
So... I'm guessing you're not a big fan of Cinema Sins? I am.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2014 at 8:58am
1.) Movies aren't shot all at once, so errors within a scene are bound to happen. Stuff like Sean Connery's tie in The Untouchables changing styles or the sexy time handprint in Titanic changing size are inconsequential.

2.) Worse. Much worse.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2014 at 7:08am
1) Why?
2) Is that better or worse?
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

I usually mention goofs and I consider people who make videos of movie goofs to be bottom-feeder critics.

Good news: the inexplicably upcoming Ring Three won't involve Ehren Kruger. Bad news: it will be written by Akiva Goldsman. Goddammit.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 24 2014 at 7:10pm
Time for one of the most disappointing horror sequels of the last ten years. The original film bucked the trend of terrible remakes of Asian horror movies. Yes, I'm reviewing...
                                        
The Ring Two.

The only good thing about the film is Naomi Watts' performance. Granted, it can't compare to her performance in the first one but it's still an OK performance. And she's a helluva lot better than she was in Diana and Movie 43.

All of the other actors in the film are crappy. Simon Baker is crappy as Rachel's (Watts) boss. You'll be cheering when he dies. Sissy Spacek is shockingly bad as Evelyn, Samara's biological mother who's in a loony bin. David Dorfman (decent in the original) is hilariously bad as Aiden this time around. He's at his worst in the scenes where he's possessed by Samara. Director Hideo Nakata does a poor job. Bafflingly, he directed the original Japanese Ringu. He doesn't seem to care about the film. As evidence, there several blatant goofs. Now, I usually mention goofs and I consider people who make videos of movie goofs to be bottom-feeder critics. However, the on-screen goofs in this film are f*cking blatant. Like, the motorcycle tire changing in Mission: Impossible II blatant. Like, Michael Caine's shirt becoming dry instantly in Jaws: The Revenge blatant. The biggest example is when Rachel discovers Max's body. When first discovered, the body looks like Samara's normal victims. When we see it next, it looks normal.

The worst performance in the film comes from Elizabeth Perkins. She plays a doctor who accuses Rachel of abuse. She's so bad, that it makes you yearn for the actors I called crappy in the last paragraph because at least they're better! Much like Max, you'll be cheering when she dies. The special effects are terrible. When we see Samara at the end, she looks crappy. Remember, the crappy effects from The Rage: Carrie 2? Well, this film is on par with it despite coming six years after it. And then there's the infamous deer scene. In it, Rachel and Aiden are attacked by a herd of painfully bad CGI deer. Of course, even if the deer looked realistic it would still be funny because of the crappy directing. Ostensibly, they're attacking because they sense Samara in Aiden. While watching it, I made a joke that Aiden had rolled around in berries and the deer wanted to eat him. I think this works better. The absolute worst thing about the film is the script. It was written by Ehren Kruger, so no explanation is needed.

Good news: the inexplicably upcoming Ring Three won't involve Ehren Kruger. Bad news: it will be written by Akiva Goldsman. Goddammit. Grade: F
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 7:10pm
Time for one of the worst horror sequels of all time. It's a bad movie that's a slap in the face to the original. This unfortunate film is...
                                  
Pet Sematary Two.

About the only decent thing in this film is Clancy Brown as the asshole sheriff Gus. In a film full of zombies, he's the most terrifying thing in it. And that's before he becomes a zombie himself.

One of the big issues with the film is the sense of deja vu in the early scenes. There's a dead pet and, you guessed it, its owner Drew (Jason McGuire) and his friend Jeff (Goddamn Edward Furlong)* bury it in the Pet Sematary. It comes back and kills Gus, who is buried in the Sematary too. The film also passes up a chance to fix one of the issues I had with the first one. In the book, it's heavily implied that the power of the Pet Sematary comes from Wendigos and one actually shows up in the book. In addition to being cool, it would make the characters more likable: it's explained that they have a psychic hold over people who bury people there. It would explain why people keep burying dead things there. But no, they don't do this and the characters come off as dumb because of it.

The film alters the rule of what happens to humans brought back with the Sematary to its detriment. Instead of being creepy "Are they normal or not?" creatures like in the first one, the humans brought back are loud and over-the-top. The worst example of this is with Gus. After he gets brought back, he goes from terrifying to comical. Clancy Brown tries to make it work, but he can't overcome the awful script. Bafflingly, Gus seems to control the other beings brought back with the Sematary, something not even hinted at in the original. Even more baffling, people involved with the original were involved with this. Mary Lambert directed both of the films. I know that she didn't write either one, but wouldn't she have noticed this discrepancy and brought it up to the higher-ups? Then again, considering how her directing is crappy, maybe she didn't care and this was just a paycheck role. The actors that aren't Clancy Brown are terrible. Anthony Edwards is terrible as Jeff's dad, Chase. Jared Rushton is awful as the bully turned Sematary zombie. Worst of all is Edward Furlong. His character is depressed over the death of his mother, and Furlong is so awful that didn't feel bad for him. Also, two of the characters (Drew and his MILF of a mom) get killed by potatoes! What could I say that's funnier than that?

The Rage: Carrie 2 is no longer the worst Stephen King adaptation I've reviewed this month. Grade: F

*This was his follow-up to Terminator 2 and there have been few follow-up screw-ups as bad as this example.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 4:07pm
I hadn't even heard there was a sequel to Donnie Darko because I didn't believe it was possible that there would be people stupid enough to try and make one. Look at the sequels/rip-offs of 2001 and Mean Girls and what masterpieces they turned out to be!!!

It just can't work under any circumstance because of the kind of movies those are. They're once-in-a-generation classics that shouldn't be messed w/ and besides, they never made a sequel to Vertigo, why make a sequel if there was never intended to be one? Especially seeing how risky and unique Donnie Darko is to begin with!!! Its the lowest, most obvious form of a cash grab, taking the some elements of a beloved classic, then screw it up horribly. Breaks my heart.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 11:18am
1) Why would it be a joke?
2) Only if the viewer considers it to be canon to the 1st movie. A lot of people don't because Bret Easton Ellis said it wasn't.
3) What took you so long? I've always found her to be hot.

Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

her professor (played by, no joke, William Shatner).

It retroactively ruins American Psycho

I think Daveigh Chase is hot now.

So you haven't seen it? Had you even heard of it before?
Originally posted by JacobD

Donnie Darko is in my opinion, one of the greatest motion pictures ever made as well as one of my all-time favorite movies which leads me to ask WHY WOULD THEY MAKE A f**kING SEQUEL?!?!?!?!!

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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 12:51am
Guardians Of The Galaxy is my 6th favorite film of 2014.

As for movies that I cried at, there's literally only one film I've cried at: Pokemon: The First Movie, back in 1999 when I was 7.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JacobD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 22 2014 at 12:04am
In your review of Scooby-Doo, you say you don't like James Gunn. What did you think of Guardians of the Galaxy? And he did write the Dawn of the Dead remake AND did a kick-ass job of it IMHO. Look it up for yourself!

I also thought Slither was a ton of fun until the last 15 minutes which kind of dragged a little and have heard mostly positive things about Super.

Good review of S. Darko. I cried hard at the end of Donnie Darko and I'm glad you loved it also!!!

By the way, what movies have you ever cried at, if any?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 21 2014 at 11:20pm
Here is my review of S. Darko. Two things about it: 1.) It's my very first Rotten Asshole review and 2.) I've reversed my opinion on one thing mentioned in the review: I think Daveigh Chase is hot now.
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