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    Posted: January 03 2012 at 6:48am
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Hillary Swank: Swank is bland here as an astronaut who ends up piloting the drilling machine. Has she ever been in a good movie that didn't win her an Oscar?
INSOMNIA.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 03 2012 at 7:24am
Oh, yeah. I forgot Insomnia.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February 15 2012 at 8:13pm
Time to review the worst Best Picture nominee in a while, possibly ever.
 
The good:
 
Max von Sydow: von Sydow is decent here as a mute guy who is obviously Oscar's grandpa. This is supposed to be a twist, but it's blatantly obvious. Not good enough to be an Oscar nominee though.
 
Viola Davis: She plays a housewife that Oscar meets first. She's decent in this.
 
The bad:
 
Tom Hanks: Hanks plays Oscar's dad. He tells Oscar of a burrow in New York that floated away from the rest of NYC, much like how Hanks' dignity floats away from him with this performance.
 
The script: The script is pretty bad, but it's more like Twatlight: the source material sucks.
 
Sandra Bullock: Bullock plays Oscar's mom and she's annoying.
 
The ugly:
 
Thomas Horn: Apparantly, Jeopardy Kids contestants don't make good actors.
 
Stephen Daldry: Daldry's directed this, The Reader, and The Hours. He's truely an evil man.
 
The falling body motif: There's many scenes where bodies fall from the Twin Towers. Yes I'm serious. In one scene that's so absolutely shamelessly tasteless that it almost becomes funny, Hanks himself falls from the towers.
 
There's one thing about this that disgusted me more than anything else: when the movie was over, everyone else in the theater clapped! Am I getting smarter or is everyone else getting dumber? Grade: F
 
Next-up: Underworld: Awakening
 
As promised, here's my new 10 worst movies of the year list!
 
1.) Jack & Jill
2.) Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star
3.) Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
4.) Zookeeper
5.) The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)
6.) Season Of The Witch
7.) Hoodwinked Too! Hood V.S. Evil
8.) Atlas Shrugged Part 1
9.) New Year's Eve
10.) Something Borrowed
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February 16 2012 at 9:36am
Do you think it still would've been your #3 worst movie if it hadn't been nominated for Best Picture?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote whatsthepoint Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February 16 2012 at 10:40am
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Time to review the worst Best Picture nominee in a while, possibly ever.
 
The good:
 
Max von Sydow: von Sydow is decent here as a mute guy who is obviously Oscar's grandpa. This is supposed to be a twist, but it's blatantly obvious. Not good enough to be an Oscar nominee though.
 
Viola Davis: She plays a housewife that Oscar meets first. She's decent in this.
 
The bad:
 
Tom Hanks: Hanks plays Oscar's dad. He tells Oscar of a burrow in New York that floated away from the rest of NYC, much like how Hanks' dignity floats away from him with this performance.
 
The script: The script is pretty bad, but it's more like Twatlight: the source material sucks.
 
Sandra Bullock: Bullock plays Oscar's mom and she's annoying.
 
The ugly:
 
Thomas Horn: Apparantly, Jeopardy Kids contestants don't make good actors.
 
Stephen Daldry: Daldry's directed this, The Reader, and The Hours. He's truely an evil man.
 
The falling body motif: There's many scenes where bodies fall from the Twin Towers. Yes I'm serious. In one scene that's so absolutely shamelessly tasteless that it almost becomes funny, Hanks himself falls from the towers.
 
There's one thing about this that disgusted me more than anything else: when the movie was over, everyone else in the theater clapped! Am I getting smarter or is everyone else getting dumber? Grade: F
 
Next-up: Underworld: Awakening
 
As promised, here's my new 10 worst movies of the year list!
 
1.) Jack & Jill
2.) Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star
3.) Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
4.) Zookeeper
5.) The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)
6.) Season Of The Witch
7.) Hoodwinked Too! Hood V.S. Evil
8.) Atlas Shrugged Part 1
9.) New Year's Eve
10.) Something Borrowed


Yes Steven Daltry is a bad man, but the academy keeps nominating his films, and critics praised Billy Elliot and the Hours. So I don't think he cares.

Also that was very egotistical of you, not every one's gonna think the same way you do
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February 16 2012 at 12:29pm
To Vits, it would be on there even if it wasn't a Best Picture nominee.
 
To wtp, I haven't seen Billy Elliot, but a lot of people who said they hated his other movies say that it's actually a good movie. Also, I've never not said I'm an egomaniac.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: February 18 2012 at 9:34pm
Time to finish off Rob Liefeld week with a review of Alien 3. The movie is mostly known for two things today: it's teaser (which promises aliens on Earth*) and the biggest bridge-drop in movie history!**
 
The good:
 
Sigourney Weaver: Weaver's the sole bright-spot in the movie.
 
The bad:
 
Young David Fincher: Alien 3 is to David Fincher as Piranha II: The Spawning is to James Cameron. To be fair to Fincher, it's hard to direct a movie when the executives control your every move.
 
The script: The writing for this film is just sloppy. There's a reason for this though: executive meddling! This film had a hellish production***, with many, many re-writes. Some versions had Ripley, some didn't. One script had an alien rape Ripley. The less said about that the better.
 
The ugly:
 
The alien dog: Instead of the alien invasion on Earth, we get a single alien in this. An alien that sprang from a dog. Not helping matters, the alien dog is CGI. Really bad CGI. They should have just gone with anamatronics like the first two.
 
The executive meddling: This was mentioned several times in the bad, but it really deserves a mention.
 
The death of Newt: It's impossible to describe how infuriated I was when I watched the opening of this. Apparantly, this was done because the actress playing Newt got too old. If this is true, then why not set it at a later time: make it about Ripley looking for more alien eggs to destroy and then get stranded in the prison. Don't kill off a character that the previous centered it's last act around saving! Hicks, also, died, but at least Michael Biehn got a nice paycheck.****
 
Man, this was bad. Grade: F
 
*Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk_x9W1xKng
**Bridge-dropping is slang for an anticliamtic death. It's named for Kirk's death in Star Trek: Generations. Other good examples are Gordon in 2012 and Cyclops in X3.
****He made the producers pay him the same amount of money he got for co-starring in Aliens for the likeness they used of him in the beginng.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 06 2012 at 5:25pm
Time to review the Dungeons & Dragons movie. Also, I'll reveal my next week of reviews after the review.
 
The good:
 
Jeremy Irons' angry face: Go to this link* (it's the fourth picture) and tell me that's not one of the most hilarious pictures ever.
 
The bad:
 
Jeremy Irons: Angry faces aside, his acting is disapointing. Apparamtly, he felt the same way: there were reports that he stormed off the set a couple times.
 
Courtney Solomon: Solomon got the rights to this movie in 1990 when he was 19. It feels like this was directed by a 19 year old! Solomon has directed only one other movie** and he's produced the Razzie nominated Captivity and the DTV Butterfly Effect 3.
 
Justin Whalin: Whalin plays Ridley Freeborn. His acting is bad, but he's not the worst actor here. Or the second worst.
 
The ugly:
 
Thora Birch: If any of you wondering why Birch's career didn't take off like people thought it would after American Beauty, then watch this.*** Her acting is stiffer than Natalie Portman in the prequels.
 
The special effects: If tou followed the link to the Jeremy Irons picture, you got a look at the special effects in this and you know it's bad. I was watching Terminator 2 this morning and when your effects don't come close to the effects in a movie from nearly a decade before, you know you've failed.
 
Marlon Wayans: Wayans plays a theif named Snails and yes, that's his name. Snails is, objectively, worse than Jar Jar!!!! Jar Jar was meant to appeal to little kids and the little kids in the theater that I saw Phantom Menace 3D in seemed to like him. Since this movie was rated PG-13, that means that Snails was supposed to appeal to teenagers.
 
Here's the theme for my next week of reviews: Platinum Dunes week!!! It starts next Sunday, the reviews will be released in order of their release dates, and there won't be a review on Tuesday. Grade: F
 
*http://www.agonybooth.com/recaps/Dungeons___Dragons_2000.aspx?Page=9
**That other movie was An American Haunting. If you listen to the Commentary Track, Solomon incorrectly describes what a plant is. So yeah, he's on par with Ralph Wiggum.
***Her creepy porn star dad helped contribute to her stalled career
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 11 2012 at 6:59pm
Time to kick off Platinum Dunes week. First up is the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. It sacrifices gore for nuance, has several anachronisms, and is the only Platinum Dunes movie I'd call actually good. Yes, really.
 
The good:
 
Jessica Biel: She's incredibly hot and her acting in this isn't too bad.
 
R. Lee Ermey: Ermey plays a super corrupt "cop". His performance is good and he's scary in it.
 
Some of the scare scenes: There's some scenes that are scary like Leatherface's intro. It may not be as scary as the Leatherface intro in the first one, but still. Also, brownie points for not ripping-off the dinner scene.
 
The bad:
 
Eric Balfour: Has he ever been good as anything other than Milo Pressman? He plays Biel's boyfriend Kemper. He's annoying.
 
The ugly:
 
The gore overkill: As mentioned in the intro, this movie favors gore over nuanced violance. This is detrimental to the film's reputation. In addition, it, along with Saw, is often credited with starting the torture porn craze.
 
Apparantly, the next Texas Chainsaw movie, scheduled for January, the time of the year when the best movies come out, isn't being produced by Platinum Dunes. Grade: B
 
Next-up: The Amityville Horror!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 28 2012 at 11:57am
This includes a bunch of Oscar nominees and winners (not just from this year).
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 19 2012 at 2:24pm
Time to rip into Dreamcatcher. The movie is weird and crappy, that doing an full review would be nigh impossible, so we're doing a 9 worst things first. But first, let's do the things that I liked: Jason Lee and Timothy Olyphant. That's it.
 
9.) Killing of Jason Lee and Timothy Olyphant: Yeah, the only characters that are remotely interesting get killed off. Even worse, they get undignified and stupid deaths. Lee bites it when the sh*t weasel (yeah, the aliens are called sh*t weasels) he was trapping in a toilet gets out and eats him. It gets out when he gets off the seat to get some tooth-picks off the floor. Yes, you read that right. Olyphant dies when he's with his alien-possessed buddy and he tells him to bite his bag. The alien, named Mr. Grey, then eats him
 
8.) Donnie Wahlberg: Wahlberg shows up during the last half hour as Duddits, a mentally retarded man with cancer who's actually an alien. I wasn't lieing when I said this movie was weird. His acting is pretty bad.
 
7.) The special effects: The effects here are horrendous. If they used claymation, it would have been more convincing.
 
6.) Lawrence Kasdan: His directing is horrible and he should feel bad about it!
 
5.) The script: This was written by Kasdan and William Goldman, two people who should know better. I know the novel was weird, but they should have cut out a lot of things, like all the scatalogical stuff.
 
4.) Damian Lewis: Lewis plays Jonesy who gets possessed by Mr. Grey. In a move of absolute hilarity, he uses a British accent when possessed. A really bad British accent. Anne Hathaway in One Day bad.
 
3.) Morgan Freeman: It was hard deciding which actor to list as worse between Freeman and Lewis. In the end, I choose Freeman because he should know better! Sporting eyebrows bigger than my niece's fists, Freeman plays Col. Curtis,* a loony who's after the aliens.
 
2.) The alien designs: I'll say this about the creature designs: they're original. Of course, The Human Centipede was original, so originality doesn't automatically equal good. The aliens in this look like genitalia. The sh*t weasels look incredibly phallic and Mr. Grey looks like a giant vagina with teeth.
 
1.) The end: The movie ends with Duddits turning into an alien and fighting Mr. Grey. AFter a minute or two of fighting they explode into red dust. The end of the book was dumb, but the end here is both dumb and completely unforshadowed.
 
The book this was based on was written when Steven King was recovering from his car accident, while high on painkillers. That explains a lot! Grade: F
 
*In one of the few deviations from the novel, Freeman's character was called Col. Kurtz there. This is for he better.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 19 2012 at 2:58pm
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Damian Lewis: Lewis plays Jonesy who gets possessed by Mr. Grey. In a move of absolute hilarity, he uses a British accent when possessed. A really bad British accent. Anne Hathaway in One Day bad.
He is british. He said that he was doing a Malcolm McDowell impression.
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

The book this was based on was written when Steven King was recovering from his car accident, while high on painkillers. That explains a lot!
I don't think any adaptation would've been good. Based on what I know about the book, it's just a rehash of his previous novels. Die hard fans call it "a group of allusions".
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 19 2012 at 3:58pm
Damian Lewis is British? His decent American accent and the fact that his Mr. Grey accent is fake fooled me.
 
My mom tried to read the book, but it was too weird for her.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 20 2012 at 1:26pm
I know what you're feeling. After seeing THE TOWN, I couldn't believe Ben Affleck was from Boston, because his accent sounded so fake.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 23 2012 at 7:12pm
One of the worst romance writers is Nicholas Sparks. Almost all of his stories follow the same plotline (two beautiful people fall in love, something keeps them apart, they overcome the odds anyway, and then (sometimes) something tragic happens completely from left field) and he's egocentric hypocrite. But, teenage girls seem to like him and most of the movies based on his bokks are hits. And since Hollywood is all about regurgitating whatever's popular, we got today's subject, The Vow. The Vow is craven attempt at immitating Nicholas Sparks that somehow manages to be even worse than anything Sparks has written.
 
The first half-hour of the movie is watchable. It's not good, but compared to what comes after it, I'll take it. The acting is a bit off, the side characters are annoyingly "unique", and it seems like the movie takes place in the '90's, but it's not terrible and Tatum and McAdams have decent chemistry. Then McAdams wakes up from her coma and the movie descends into the sh*t-fest that it is.
 
Channing Tatum sucks here. He's only good when he's playing an empty-headed lunk like in 21 Jump Street. That being said, he's not as bad here as he was in G.I. Joe or Nicholas Sparks' Dear John. Rachel McAdams is suprisingly stiff considering her performances in Sherlock Holmes and Midnight In Paris (and Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook!). Michael Sucsy shows no talent behind the camera.
 
The absolute worst part of the movie are McAdams' parents and her ex-boyfriend. The parents, played by Sam Neill and Jessica Lange who should both know better, are some of the creepiest characters in a romance movie of late. Anyone with a sane head would know better than to control their amnesiac daughter in such a creepy way. But, her ex is even creepier. Despite having a girlfriend he hits on her despite her being mentally 18. Since this is based on a true story, I gotta wonder if the parents and the ex were embellished. They're just too creepy. The script is incredibly sloopy with details. As mentioned above, the film feels like it takes place in the '90's. Until a modern day cellphone is pulled out, I honestly thought that this was a peroid piece. It's not like Batman: TAS where it deliberately feels like it takes place a few decades before hand; it's just stupid. One possible theory: Nicholas Sparks' "magnum opus" The Notebook came out in the '90's. Another epic problem is that Channing Tatum doesn't have chemistry with Rachel McAdams when she has amnesia. It just feels off.
 
Apparantly, The Lucky One is supposed to be worse than this. I find that hard to believe. Grade: F

Next-up: The Devil Inside!! (Oh God no!)
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2012 at 8:45pm
I've experienced Return To The Blue Lagoon today. To say it deserved its Razzie nominations is to say that the sky is blue. Milla Jovovich is supposed to be deeply ashamed of this and for good reason. It's not as bad as Ultraviolet, but still. But, the review for that is for another day. Tomorrow to be exact. Why am I going over this at the start of the review? So that when this shows up on the front-page with the first few words showing up, it won't spoil the fact that the mystery Joel Schumacher movie is...
 
BATMAN FOREVER!!!!!!!
 
It's nowhere near as bad as the movie that came after it, but it's still a MASSIVE step in the wrong direction in terms of handling the franchise.
 
Before we get the knives out, let's talk about what the film does right. Jim Carrey is good here as The Riddler. He has fun with the role. There is one messed-up scene with him in the film. When he's throwing bombs throughout the BatCave, he has an erection in one scene. I'd like to believe that it was an accident that the editor didn't notice, but I just know that Schumacher and Akiva Goldsman thought it would add the quality of the film. In another plus Nicole Kidman has fun with her role as a cliched, sexy psychologist that Batman wants to get with. This was before she started coasting on her name recognition*. Some of the action scenes are decent like when Two-Face and The Riddler invade Wayne Manor on Halloween. Other than The Riddler's boner.Sick
 
Other than Carrey and Kidman, the acting is piss-poor. Ed Begly, Jr. has a terrible cameo as Riddler's boss. Fortunately, he dies quick. Tommy Lee Jones is uncharacteristically dull as Two-Face. Maybe if the cast another actor who credits himself with three names and has an affinity for Colt .45. Val Kilmer is impossibly bland. Unlike Michael Keaton, it's conceivable that he could beat people. Also unlike Keaton, he's as stiff as board. Batman creater Bob Kane said that Kilmer was his favorite Batman. Kane also wanted the Batsuit to be red. Kane may have created Batman, but Bill Finger was the one to make him the Batman we know today. So Kane's opinion doesn't mean squat. But worst of all is Chris O'Donnell. The kid can't act and his interpretation of Robin is whiny and annoying. To be fair to him, Robin's a flat character. There's a reason that Nolan and Bale didn't want him in The Dark Knight Rises.
 
Now, unto what everyone reading this wants: the part where I lay into Schumacher and Goldsman. The elements that made Batman & Robin the worst movie ever are present here is lesser doses. Now, on their own, Schumacher is a terrible enough director and Goldsman is a terrible enough writer, but when they time up... dear God. They bring out the worst in each other. They're like a Reese's Piece made out of cyanide and sh*t. The way Schumacher shoots the movie is gaudy and pure eye rape. And Goldman's dialogue (i.e. "I'll get drive thru", "Holy rusted metal", which, on the commentary track, Schumacher directly says Goldsman was responsible for, and "It's the car right? Chicks love the car" and, yes, they reuses that for Batman & Robin) is horrible. And Goldsman thinks he's smart! He mentions wanting to give the characters pathos. Yes because when I think of appealing to the audience's emotions I think of "Chicks love the car." Another culprit in this film's suckiness is... Warner Brothers!?! They cut a lot out of the movie which could have made it almost good. Why did they cut it? Because it was too "dark" and after Batman Returns pissed off parents (and McDonald's) they didn't want things too dark. One of the scenes was Two-Face's escape from Arkham Asylum and it's surprisingly well directed. This was meant to be the opening scene and actually improves the stupid scene at the end where Riddler's at Arkham. Another scene is Batman watching a news report imploring him to retire and he has a heart-to-heart with Alfred. There's, also, a creepy scene where Batman has a vision of a giant bat. Of course, they, also, deleted an incredibly retarded scene where Batman barges into a hair saloon, so maybe they're not completely dumb.
 
Despite being deleted, the scene with Batman and the giant bat was included in a trailer. Probably to trick fans into thinking that Man-Bat is in the movie. Grade: C-
 
Next-up: Return To The Blue Lagoon!
 
*and before she started looking like this: http://www.wwtdd.com/2012/05/can-you-even-tell-who-this-is/ Botox is a bitch.
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