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SchumacherH8ter View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Forum member reviews
    Posted: October 25 2011 at 3:13pm
Since the main thread is clogged-up with my reviews of movies that don't have forums, I've decided to give them their own thread. The thread will be open to anyone here who wants to do a review of a movie that doesn't have a forum as well. I'll kick it off with the Nightmare On Elm Street 2 later tonight.
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SchumacherH8ter View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2011 at 8:11pm
For the inaugeral review here, here's A Nightmare On Elm Street 2!
 
The good:
 
Robert Englund: Englund returns here as Freddy Krueger. This was when he was still intimidating and is the sole bright-spot here.
 
The bad:
 
Mark Patton: Patton is impossibly bland here. He plays Jesse Walsh, a teen that makes Liberace look like Ah-nuld!
 
The script: The script is bland and stupid. Apparantly, this was written to be deliberately homoerotic without the director or studio noticing. The problem with that is that they seemed to care more about the homoerotic sub-text than making a quality story.
 
The demon parakeets: There's a scene where, out of nowhere, the Walsh family parakeets turn into demon parakeets and fly around and then explode. We're given no explanation for why they do it and the dad's reasoning for the explosion was a gas leak. That's just dumb.
 
The ugly:
 
The disturbing homoerotic content: The problem isn't that it's homoerotic, it's that it ventures into disturbing areas. There's a scene where the leather-loving coach eyes Jesse as he's running laps around the gym and then makes him shower while he watches. Eww! In addition, the main plot revolves around Freddy entering Jesse's body. On its own this is already unnerving, but combined with the knowledge that the screenplay was intentionaly gay means that we're meant to see it as Freddy Krueger having gay-sex. Heterosexual Freddy Kruger sex would be just as disturbing though.
 
Other good contenders for worst ANOES would be the fifth and sixth ones. Grade: D
 
Next-up: The Hills Have Eyes Part II! (80s version)
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 26 2011 at 9:07am
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

In addition, the main plot revolves around Freddy entering Jesse's body. On its own this is already unnerving, but combined with the knowledge that the screenplay was intentionaly gay means that we're meant to see it as Freddy Krueger having gay-sex. Heterosexual Freddy Kruger sex would be just as disturbing though.

Correct me if I'm wrong,but he didn't just killed kids and teens,he raped them.And it wasn't just girls.So isn't he bisexual?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 26 2011 at 12:23pm
In the original movies, there's no confirmation that he's a pedo and only vague hints. The remake was the one that confirmed him as a pedo, but it's not in the same continuity.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 26 2011 at 7:33pm
Time to rip into The Hills Have Eyes Part II, one of the most maligned horror movies ever. The Hills Have Eyes 2 from 2007 was pretty bad, but wasn't at the same badness level as this one.
 
The good:
 
Michael Berryman: Berryman's back as Pluto, even though he likely died at the end of the first one. OK, he's not explicitetly shown dieing, but the dog had its way with him. Berryman is one of the two characters from the first one to have a big role (the other is Janus Blyth as Ruby) and he makes the best of his screentime.
 
The bad:
 
Janus Blyth: Blyth is bland in her returning role as Ruby or as she's called now Rachel. Instead of wearing rags, she wears a suit and, in all honesty, she looked better in the first one.
 
The new mutants: The mutants introduced in this are boring creatures. Papa Hades is such a blatant rip-off of Papa Jupiter from the first one, that the first time I watched this I thought that they were the same character! Another new character is called The Reaper, but I can't remember a damn thing about him he's so forgettable.
 
Wes Craven: Craven really dropped the ball here. He's aware of this and these words came out of his mouth: "I'm sorry for The Hills Have Eyes Part II. I was broke, and really needed the work. I would have made Godzilla Goes To Paris."
 
The ugly:
 
The script: The script for this is just dismal. Mainly because...
 
Gratuitious flashbacks: No joke, nearly 50% of the film is composed of flashbacks from the first one. And in one infamous scene...
 
The dog has a flashback: This is one of the most idiotic moments in film history and, arguably, the only reason why anyone remembers this.
 
Does anyone else want to see Godzilla Goes To Paris right now? Grade: F
 
Next-up: Uwe Boll's House Of The Dead!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 28 2011 at 9:24pm
Time for the first Rotten Asshole of Horror Movie Month and Uwe Boll's first foray into pissing-off video game fans! House Of The Dead is easily Uwe's worst movie and that's not easy to say.
 
The good:
 
N/A
 
The bad:
 
Clint Howard: Howard plays Salish, second-in-command to Jurgen Prochnow's Capt. Kirk and yes he's really called that. He's very annoying and you'll cheer when he's turned into a zombie.
 
The script: The script for this is just sloppy. The characters are one-dimentional cardboard cut-outs that not even good actors could save. The story makes no sense.
 
The game footage: Throughout the film, Uwe randomly inserts footage from the games into scenes. Usually scenes that don't feature zombies. It's idiotic to show something that has better special effects than your movie. It's like a clip from Jurassic Park showing up in a Carnosaur sequel!
 
The ugly:
 
Tyron Leitso: Leitso plays a vain model-type who gets himself covered in sh*t in one scene, accurately visualizing his decision to star in this! There's one hilarious scene where a zombie spits acid on his face and he starts whining like Kristen Stewart, except not as good to look at.
 
Castillo: Castillo is the Spanish zombie lead-villain who created the zombie serum somehow. He has a lot of Plan 9 style quotes. For example, Rudy: "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" Castillo: "To live forever!"
 
Uwe Boll: I don't think I have to explain this.
 
Tomorrow night, they're showing both of Rob Zombie's Halloween movies/abortions. Do I dare jump into the fire to get myself better acquited for my review of both on Monday? Grade: Rotten Asshole
 
Next-up: Psycho '98!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 29 2011 at 1:00pm
Time to review the worst remake of all time, Gus Van Sant's Psycho.
 
The good:
 
Julianne Moore: Moore is decent and cute as Lily Crane. Of course, maybe I'm just grading her this way because almost every other actor is worse.
 
William H. Macy: Macy is fine as Milton Arbogast, a detective who questions Norman about Marion's disappearance. The only complaint I have with him is his death scene and that's because Gus Van Sant had to be "edgy" and add naked women.
 
The bad:
 
Viggo Mortenson: Aragon gives a bland performance as Sam Loomis here.* His Southern accent is just bad.
 
The new additions to the movie: While Van Sant said that this would be shot-for-shot, he added a few things that stand out in pointlessness. I already bitched about the additions to Arbogast's death scene. During the shower scene, we see Anne Heche naked (eww!) and Vince Vaughn is clearly masterbating while watching her. (double eww!!)
 
The pointlessness: Seriously, did Van Sant think that this would work? If someone wanted to watch Psycho, why wouldn't they just watch the original with the better actors and directing?
 
The ugly:
 
Anne Heche: In his My Year Of Flops review of this**, Nathan Rabin mentioned that the character of Marion had a lot of secrets to hide and that Anne Heche can not keep things hidden. It makes the film feel odd.
 
Vince Vaughn: OK, how did he not get a Worst Actor win for this? Bruce Willis may have been crappy in Armageddon, but at least he didn't piss all over a great performance in that!
 
Gus Van Sant: You thought that this would be a good idea. You thought that Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche wouldn't disecrate acting legends. You thought it was a good idea to add scenes from a Marilyn Manson video into William H. Macy' death scene. You deserved that Worst Director win.
 
I wrote this early because I realized that I was behind schedule with Horror Movie Month. Grade: Rotten Asshole
 
Next-up: Jaws: The Revenge!
 
*When I review Rob Zombie's Halloween movies on Monday, Viggo won't be the only one criticised for giving a bland Sam Loomis performance.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 29 2011 at 9:07pm

Well, I'm back from my self-inflicted torture/viewing of Rob Zombie's Halloween movies. With that out of the way, here's Jaws: The Revenge. There will be no good here today.

The bad:
 
Michael Caine: Caine is bland here as Hoagie. I could go into detail, but this quote from Mr. Caine himself really somes it up: "I have never seen the film, but by all acounts it was terrible. However, I have seen the house it built, and it is terrific."
 
The dream scene: There's a scene where it appears that Ellen is being eaten by the shark, but it turns out to be a dream. Dream scenes like this really piss me off. Although, it's not as bad as in Zombieween II, where almost the first half-hour is a god-damn dream!
 
Joseph Sargent: Sargent is the director of this. After this tanked, he was sentenced to direct-to-cable hell.
 
The ugly:
 
Lorraine Gary: Gary was brought out of retirement to star in this. She should have stayed there! Gary is just awful here.
 
The special effects: It has the technical level of Plan 9, but none of the charm of it. During the scene where it attacks Thea, I swear to God that I saw a pole under it!
 
The (used) script: The script that they used for this is just moronic. The shark from the first comes back from the dead to kill off the family. Interestingly, there was an unused script that was turned into the novelization that was better. Not good, but not Top 10 Worst Movies Ever bad like what we have before us. In it, one of the Brody family insults a voodoo witchdoctor who places a curse on them. That's still dumb, but not as dumb as the shark coming back to life.
 
The original Jaws is one of my favorite movies. Grade: Rotten Asshole
 
Next-up: The Exorcist II!!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote jesse685 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 29 2011 at 10:06pm
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

The special effects: It has the technical level of Plan 9, but none of the charm of it. During the scene where it attacks Thea, I swear to God that I saw a pole under it!
 
 
OH MY GOD!!! WHERE'S THE POLE??????
 
See if any of you could figure this reference out.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Grounder the Critic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 30 2011 at 3:17pm
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

The special effects: It has the technical level of Plan 9, but none of the charm of it. During the scene where it attacks Thea, I swear to God that I saw a pole under it!


I knew you would said a pole. I noticed that the pole was under the shark in this movie. I mean, does the shark look like a broken accordion?
Pictures move, do they?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 30 2011 at 5:51pm
Oh, Exorcist II -- the worst horror movie ever...and that's not an exxageration! Since this one is SO bad, I'll be reviewing it Superbabies style, as in the nine worst things about it.  
 
9.) Pazuzu: It's revealed that the demon from the first one is called Pazuzu. I know that that's a real demon name, but it just sounds goofy. If it was called that in the first one it probably wouldn't have been so goofy because that one wasn't all around terrible.  
 
8.) Linda Blair's wardrobe: Turning Regan into Ms. Fanservice here was a BAD idea! She's not all that good to look at and it's worse when you remember that in the original she was a minor.
 
7.) Louise Fletcher: Much like how Jaws: The Revenge came after Hannah And Her Sisters, Fletcher followed up her Best Actress win for Cuckoo's Nest with this. This is easily the biggest drop from Oscar win to bad performance in history!
 
6.) The flashbacks: The flashbacks are pointless, pad the running time, and, worst of all, lay the groundwork for Exorcist: The Beginning!
 
5.) The locusts effects: Not as bad as the shark-on-a-pole from Jaws 4, but still, VERY bad!
 
4.) Richard Burton: If IMDb is to be believed, Burton only did this so they would make Equus. His performance reflects how much he doesn't care about this film.
 
3.) The script: A monkey pooping on a typewriter would make something better than what was written.
 
2.) John Boorman: Boorman was clearly high when he directed this. No doubt about it. That is the only explanation for how bad and disjontled this feels!
 
1.) The synchronizer machine: If movie moments were comparable to TV moments, than this, not the fridge nuking, would be the jump-the-shark moment. It makes you realize that you weren't just watching a bad movie, but one of the worst movies ever. If you think that I'm blowing smoke out of my ass, during the premier of this, the audience turned against this movie when this scene came up. According to IMDb, it was literally laughed off screen, mainly because of this scene!
 
Just one more day of crappy horror movies left. Too bad I have two reviews planned tomorrow! Grade: Rotten Asshole
 
Next-up: Rob Zombie's Halloween! (or Zombieween!)
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 31 2011 at 11:16am
Hmmm...while I consider THE EXORCIST II among the worst movies of all times,I still think the 3rd is worse,and the 5th the worst of the saga.
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Linda Blair's wardrobe: Turning Regan into Ms. Fanservice here was a BAD idea! She's not all that good to look at and it's worse when you remember that in the original she was a minor.
I get what you're saying,but do you really think they did it on purpose?

By the way,I did think she was attractive in that movie...and in that women prison movie.But today...not so much.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 31 2011 at 11:21am
I don't think that she's ugly per se, just not Ms. Fanservice material.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 01 2012 at 7:00pm
Well, let's start off Awesomely bad modern movie week! This review will have one difference from the other reviews: instead of a section devoted to the ugly, the section will be for parts of the movie that are awesomely bad. So, without further adou, here's Daredevil!
 
The good:
 
Michael Clarke Duncan: Duncan's great as the Kingpin. Even people who didn't like Daredevil liked him.
 
Colin Farrell: Farrell is, also, good as Bullseye. I'd bitch about him not wearing his mask,* but everything about him is accurate.
 
The running-time: The film is an hour 43 minutes, just the right length to be awesomely bad without wearing on my nerves.
 
The bad:
 
Ben Affleck as Matt Murdock: As lawyer Matt Murdock, Affleck is bland. His acting is different as Daredevil, though.
 
Jennifer Garner: Although she and Affleck have decent chemistry, her acting is bad. She's better than she was in Elektra, though.
 
The soundtrack: The soundtrack is full of terrible Post-Grunge and Nu-Metal songs, two genres that I detest.
 
The awesomely bad:
 
Ben Affleck as Daredevil: Affleck is just hilarious as Daredevil. His faces are just to die for. Specifically...
 
Daredevil kills Jose Quesada: Early in the film, Daredevil murders an acquited rapist named Jose Quesada. That's not the awesomely bad part. The awesomely bad part is that he's named after Joe Quesada, then editor-in-chief of Marvel. Quesada is, let's be frank, an asshole. He tinkers with comics that don't need tinkering and makes fun of fans that don't like his tinkering. Seeing a guy named after him get hit by train was satisfying.
 
A.J. gets beat-up: Early in the film, a young Matt Murdock beats up a group of bullies. One of the bullies is played by Robert Iler, best-known as A.J. Soprano, the Wesley Crusher of The Sopranos. A.J. annoyed me immensly, and seeing the crap kicked it out of him was good.
 
Well, there's my gripes about two people I don't like mixed in with a review of Daredevil. Grade: C+
 
Next-up: The Core!
 
*Here's a picture of it
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Post Options Post Options   Quote whatsthepoint Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 02 2012 at 9:59am

Bullseye!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 02 2012 at 8:10pm
Time for The Core. Before I start, I should mention that a lot of people seem to think that this is a parody of stupid sci-fi films like Armageddon instead of an actual stupid sci-fi film. They support their arguments by pointing out that there were supposed to be dinosaurs in the movie even though the fact that dinosaurs aren't in the finished product point to stupid executives, not clever satirists. Also, Hillary Swank's interviews before the movie came out are a goldmine of stupidity that shows either she didn't know that it was a parody or it's just a silly, sci-fi movie.
 
The good:
 
Stanley Tucci: Tucci is decent as a douchey scientist. This is all that I can call honestly good about this movie. Everything else about it is either bad or awesomely bad.
 
The bad:
 
Hillary Swank: Swank is bland here as an astronaut who ends up piloting the drilling machine. Has she ever been in a good movie that didn't win her an Oscar?
 
DJ Qualls: Has this guy ever given a good performance? He plays Rat, a hacker who loves Hot-Pockets and Xena.
 
The special effects: Man, the effects for this movie sucked.
 
The awesomely bad:
 
Aaron Eckhart: It's obvious that Eckhart knows what a P.O.S. this movie was and his acting is pretty funny.
 
The science: According to Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics, The Core has the worst science in movie history. Let that sink in. The Core has worse science than Armageddon. But, much like Armageddon, the science is bad in a hilarious way.
 
That's probably, the longest intro I ever wrote. Grade: C
 
Next-up: The Happening!
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