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    Posted: October 09 2012 at 6:35am
SchumacherH8ter: If you must know where that gif comes from, here's the link: 

http://thechive.com/2010/10/07/2-2-gifs/  

If you still don't know where I got that scene from, watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7GJEdlmmzE


Pictures move, do they?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 10 2012 at 8:11pm
Time for one of the most blatant rip-offs of all time. Seriously, they don't even try to make Orca not look like a Jaws rip-off.
 
There's nothing actually good about this movie. However, there's some so bad it's good things on display. The scenes were the whale goes on his rampage is hilarious. It blows up a fuel reserve. In one hilarious scene, it eats one of Bo Derek's legs. But, the height of trashy hilariousness is when the orca's mate miscarries on Richard Harris' boat! Ramping up the comedy, his crewmen just hose the baby off his boat!
 
Like any half-assed rip-off, Orca takes a pot-shot at the film it rips-off. In the opening scene, an orca eats a great white shark. In a form of retribution, an orca corpse is found eaten in Jaws 2. The acting on display here is crappy. Richard Harris is bland as the inadvertent killer of the orca's mate. Bo Derek is just terrible as his daughter. And Will Sampson squanders his One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest/Outlaw Josey Wales cred here as a stereotypical magic Native American.
 
The script is terrible. I know that whales are supposed to be smart, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't know how to blow up a fuel line. Apparantly, whales aren't that attached to their mates and calves in real life, making the orca's behavior unrealistic. However, I'm not sure if this was known in 1977 so if it wasn't known, just ignore this complaint. Michael Anderson's direction is bad. He's mostly known for directing Around The World In 80 Days, one of the worst Best Picture winners ever. He has no eye for action or horror. The finale is monumentily boring due to that. In it, Harris and his foxy colleague played by Charlotte Rampling go hunting for the orca. Before I go on, I should mention that most of the film takes place in Ireland and the finale takes place off the coast of Canada. That seems like a long distance to go just for revenge. But I digress. The whale smashes Harris onto an iceberg and spaers Rampling. With its revenge done, the orca goes to the bottom of the ocean to kill itself. Despite this, Dino de Laurentiis wanted to make a crossover between this and King Kong.
 
If HeadRAZZBerry is to be believed, de Laurentiis was crying outside his theater when this came out. Grade: F
 
Next-up: Jeepers Creepers II!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 11 2012 at 9:48pm
Sorry for the lateness of this review. I was working on a school project. Today's review is going to be for Jeeper Creepers II, a bland sequel filled with plot holes, character inconsistancies, and enough homoerotic tension to thrill Tom Cruise.
 
The opening scene is done well. There's tension when it becomes apparant that the scarecrow is actually the Creeper, the main villain and the monster of the movie. Infant immortality is averted when he eats Billy. There's an awesome shot where the Creeper is on top of the bus.
 
The characters in the film are some of the dumbest ever. They make the brilliant decision to go outside the bus. They're teachers are missing and they decide to go outside the bus. Sure, they try to get back in the bus when they see the Creeper, but the fact they even considered getting out of the bus a good idea shows they're idiots. Billy's dad does the dumbest thing in the movie though, but that deserves to go in the ugly section. It goes without saying that tha actors are terrible. I checked imdb, and non of the young actors have a career now.
 
Billy's dad was a badass character who actually takes down the Creeper. Then, he does the dumbest thing ever. He stitches the Creeper back together and puts him on display in his barn. Why the f*ck would you do something like that? It's a dumb thing to do and inconsistant with how the rest of the film portrays him. But, the worst thing about this movie is Victor Salva. He has very little talent, but when you learn about his personal life it gets even worse. See, Salva is a child molester. Now remember, the film is about a monster that goes after young men. Put those two facts together and shriek like Donald Sutherland in Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.
 
Victor Salva wants to make a Jeepers Creepers 3. Noooooooooooooooo!!!!! Grade: D
 
Next-up: FeardotCom!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 12 2012 at 8:41pm
Time for FeardotCom, one of the many films about how the interwebz will kill you!!!11!!1!
 
Before I get into ripping this, let's talk about the good things in this film. That's what I'd say if there was something good about this movie.
 
Natascha McElhone's acting is almost as bad as her parents' spelling. She plays Terry Huston, a researcher for the Departmen of Health. She quickly determines that feardotCom is repsonsible for all the deaths. After determining this, she makes the brilliant decision to visit the website. A lot of supernatural horror films with mundane MacGuffins need to have it be used after we learn it's dangerous. The right way to do this is in The Ring. In there, Rachel's son watches the videotape without his mother's knowledge. It opens up the possibility that more people will get hurt without making the chracters look like idiots. Steven Dorff is also bad. He plays NYPD detective Mike Reilly. He learns from Terry that the website is what's killing people. And because he ate too many paintchips from the police department bathroom he visits the site too!
 
Director William Malone is a massive hack. The only other film of his that I've heard of is that crappy House On Haunted Hill remake, which gets a brief shout out in here. Moshe Diamant and Josephien Coyle's script is terrible. In addition to making the main characters look like idiots, it features bland scare scenes and one of the least intemidating horror villains on record. The villain is Alistair Pratt, or "The Doctor". He's one of the most one dimentional villains in history. Shockingly, he's played by Steven Rea, an actual actor. Why Rea needed to be in this is a mystery to me.
 
I will say this about FeardotCom: it's a little better than Untraceable. Grade: F
 
Next-up: The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 13 2012 at 12:18pm
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Shockingly, he's played by Steven Rea, an actual actor. Why Rea needed to be in this is a mystery to me.
Apparently, getting an Oscar nomination* doesn't guarantee you'll have a career. Look at his resume, and you'll find a lot of supporting roles in bad movies, including UNDERWORLD 4.

*Or win. Look at F. Murray Abraham.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 13 2012 at 9:14pm
Time for the 2007 version of The Hills Have Eyes 2. It's a really bad movie that just replays the previous Hills Have Eyes, but it's still miles better than the '85 version. Mainly because there's no doggy flashbacks.
 
Some of the make-up in the movie is pretty good. I especially liked the make-up on the mutant who blended in with the rocks. That's pretty much it for the good.
 
Director Martin Weisz shows little skill behind the camera. Before he directed this, he mostly did music videos. That makes so much sense. The actors are pretty bad too. Jacob Vargas and Jessica Stroup are the worst though.
 
The characters are impressively stupid. The family from the first film did a better job of fighting off the mutants. This wouldn't be so bad, but the characters in this are National Guardsmen! So in Hills Have Eyes land, ordinary family>National Guardsmen. This highlights the sloppyness of the script. Wes Craven wrote it with his son. He should have known better. Also, the film has a MAJOR misogynst streak. The first woman we see only exists to give birth to mutants and then get her head smashed in. The female National Guardsmen don't fare any better. Amber (Stroup) is attacked and is saved by an injured male Guardsmen. The other female (Missy played by Daniella Alonso) is handled even worse. She gets captured, raped, and rescued by a male marine.
 
Still better than the '85 one though. Grade: D-
 
Next-up: The Grudge 2!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 15 2012 at 8:35pm
Time for Alien: Resurrection, one of the most blatant cash grabs ever. However, it's actually better than Alien 3. Mainly because the makers of this just didn't care while the makers of Alien 3 seemed to outright hate the audience.
 
There's one really awesome scene in here and it's the basketball scene. To explain, Ripley is shooting some hoops when she gets interrupted by Ron Perlamn's gang. After beating them up in a crappy action scene, she throws the ball with the hoop to her back and she makes it. The cool part is that it wasn't special effects: Sigourney Weaver actually made the basket.
 
The acting is pretty bad. Ron Perlman and Brad Dourif are good and Weaver's never bad as Ripley, but aside from those three it's dire. There's only one truely horrible performance here, but that's for the next paragraph. Director Jean-Pierre Jeunet shows little skill for directing an action/horror/sci-fi movie. Considering his filmography, it's not surprising. And, like in Alien 3, the CGI aliens still suck.
 
There's only two reasons I decided to review this movie. One: I reviewed an Alien movie last year, so why not review one this year. Two: to show that not all practical effects are good. If you've read any of my recent reviews, you know I prefer practical effects to CGI. So, to show I'm not completely biased, I'm going to talk about the film's abysmal practical effects. ANd by that I mean the infamous newborn. The thing just looks terrible. The scene where it gets sucked out of the ship is just bad. And it wasn't done woth CGI.* Admittedly, the method they used to pull it off is pretty cool. But, it looks like crap on-screen. The one truely horrific performance is from Winona Ryder as Call, the Ash of the movie. Her performance is completely soulless. I know that her character is an android, but her performance is still bad. But, the absolute worst thing about this movie is the screenplay. It treats that characters like idiots, has dumb and terrible scenes (the infamous Ripley clones scene), and is just bland. Shockingly, the sole writer on the film is... Joss Whedon!!!! You'd expect that he'd know how to make a movie like this, but he just bungles it. He's ashamed of the movie as he should be, but Joss can be an egomaniacal dick sometimes because he blames the failure on everyone but himself. He claims that the executives changed his ending so he gets off the hook for that. He's still to blame for the first part of the movie though.
 
Apparantly, the newborn's original design had one major difference.** Grade: D
 
Next-up: Hellbound: Hellraiser II!
 
**LINK: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/cb/Alien-_Resurrection_-_Newborn.jpg (Warning image is kinda NSFW. And fricking hilarious!)
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 16 2012 at 9:35pm
Time for Hellbound: Hellraiser II a dumb movie with an even dumber title. It's not very scary and it has one of the most epic bridge droppings in history.
 
The only good part of the film is Ashley Laurence. She reprises her role of Ashley from the first film. Her performance is good and she makes you care about what happens to her character.
 
The character of Tiffany is annoying. Her actress (Imogen Boorman) is bland and it seems like she only exists because Clive Barker saw Aliens. Clare Higgins (the weak link fo the first film) reprises her role of Julia (sans skin). Her performance is even worse this time around. The gore level is increased and it makes the film cartoony. Instead of shocking us, it's makes us laugh at how dumb it is.
 
The Cenobites are ruined in this film. The start off decent and get a few good scenes, but when Kirsty reveals that they were once humans, they go downhill. They decide to protect her and Tiffany after learning this, making them completely uninteresting. The script is pretty bad. There's a reason for it's suckiness and it's not executive meddling this time. See, Barker wanted Andrew Robinson to return as Larry, but he didn't want to. This, apparantly, forced Barker to re-write the end of the script. But, the worst part of the script is Dr. Channard, played by Shakepearean actor Oliver Smith. He starts out passible, but when he turns into a Cenobite, he gets bad. He starts yelling stupid quips (i.e. "I recommend... decapitation!") and he kills the Cenobites! And he does it with ease. If you're wondering why the villains of the series are killed off so easily, Barker thought that audiences would want to see Julia as the villain of the next movie. Anyone who's seen Hellraiser III knows how well audiences wanted to see that.
 
If you saw a new Hellraiser movie at RedBox, Clive Barker wasn't involved. Grade: D-
 
Next-up: I Know Who Killed Me!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Grounder the Critic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 17 2012 at 6:42am
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Next-up: I Know Who Killed Me!!!

AW, SNAP!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 18 2012 at 8:37pm
Time to begin the Resident Evil series. All five of the movies suck, but none of them suck the same way. Before I start with the first one, I should mention that I'm not whiteing out any spoilers until the fifth one.
 
About the only interesting thing about this movie is the Red Queen. She's a rouge AI that's out to prevent the T-virus from spreading to the outside world even if it means killing innocent people. I'm not sure if the film notices, but she's the only thing close to a hero here! While the other characters meander, occasionally fighting zombies, the Red Queen is actively protecting the human race. The film treats her trying to get Alice to kill Rain as an EVIL thing, but Rain's got the T-virus and she could easily spread it.
 
The special effects are crap. This came out nearly a decade after Jurassic Park and it looks nowhere near as good. The Licker looks expecially crappy. The score is pretty bad too. It's just generic metal riffs. Fun fact: the composer for this was Marilyn Manson. This might be one of Milla Jovovich's best perfromances. The fact that she's still in the bad category should tell you about her acting skills.
 
Almost all the film's shortcomings can be laid at the feet of Paul W.S. Anderson. He wrote and directed this piece of crap all by himself, so there's no one else to blame for this. He can't write interesting characters. He can't direct actors. His idea of a villain is actually a better hero than the ones we're given. He can't direct an action scene to save his life. His idea of scary is as scary as a five year old running around in a sheet. He thinks that hair and fingernails grow after death. And here's the kicker: Capcom (the maker of the Resident Evil games) rejected an earlier script by George A. Romero! And his script was actually faithful to the games, Chris being a magic Native American aside. This is especially dumb because Capcom based the Resident Evil series on Romero's zombie movies.
 
As bas as this was, it's actually one of the better video game movie. That should tell you how low the video game movie bar is. Grade: D+
 
Next-up: Resident Evil: Apocalypse!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 19 2012 at 1:06pm
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

He thinks that hair and fingernails grow after death.
To be fair, that has happened even in the best zombie movies and shows.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 19 2012 at 6:27pm
My issue with the fingernails and hair thing is that he had the Red Queen say it. A brilliant AI that's the only sane person in the film says that.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 19 2012 at 9:48pm
Time for Resident Evil: Apocalypse, a dumb as Hell movie that, like most movies I've reviewed this month, is a retread of the first film. However, unlike most movies I've reviewed this month, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is actually better than the film it's retreading.
 
One of the reasons this is actually better is because of director Alexander Witt. Unlike Worthless Sh*t Anderson, Witt doesn't f*ck up the action scenes. We may not care about the characters,* but the scenes are shot competently. Also, making the film better is Sienna Guillery and Oded Fehr who give good performances as Jill Valentine and Carlos Olivera, respectively. Guillery actually put a lot of effort into this movie, watching footage of Jill from the game to get the movement of her right. Shame she gets overshadowed by the personality-retardent Alice.
 
Jovovich still sucks here. Making things worse, she gets a lot more dialogue this time around. And she gets more dramatic scenes too. The film breaks it's own rules with the zombies. There's a scene were a bunch of zombies rise from a graveyard to attack the main characters. It was said in the first film that there has to be residual neural activity for the T-virus to take hold. But, the zombies in this scene have been dead for a while, so no residual neural activity for them. Also, how could the T-virus reach them if they were in their caskets? And if they already had the T-virus in them, why did it take them that long to rise?
 
Mike Epps gives a terrible performance as LJ. He's every crappy ghetto stereotype roled into one big annoying performance. But, again, the biggest of the film's flaws can be laid at Worthless Sh*t Anderson's feet. What he does to Nemesis is horrible. He was a badass in the game and here he gets his ass kicked by Alice in a few minutes. Alice's "God Mode Sue" tendencies start to shine through here. This is mainly because she has the T-virus in her. It turns everyone else into crazy zombies, but it turns the screenwriter's girlfriend into a badass. The film shamelessly rips-off Aliens with the relationship with Alice and Angie. The blandness of their relationship only highlights how James Cameron is superior to all of his imatators.
 
Angie's dad in wheelchair is played by a pre-Mad Men Jared Harris. Grade: C
 
Next-up: Resident Evil: Extinction!
 
*Not Witt's fault, he didn;t write the script.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 24 2012 at 10:00pm
Time for Hannibal, a good example of a film screwed over by constant re-writes. The film was re-written at least 15 times and Anthony Hopkins almost left the movie.
 
It's a good thing that Hopins didn't leave because he's the only good thing here. As crappy as this was, he's the lone bright spot. He's not as good as he was in Silence or even Red Dragon, but still.
 
Julianne Moore is an ill fit to play Clarice. She's not a bad actress, but she's out of her leagure here. Ray Liotta is crappy here as Paul Krendler. He has a bigger role than in Silence, were Krendler was played by Ron Vawter. I could go into details about his bad performance, but I have a feeling about what you want me to discuss about him so let's get to it: Krendler ets his own brain. It's one of the most jaw-droppingly bad, unintentionally hilarious scenes in history. It made Cracked's 10 Scenes of Brutal Violence Guaranteed to Make You Laugh list.
 
As I mentioned in the intro, the script went through a lot of re-writes. David Mamet is credited as a screenwriter, but all of his material was thrown out. The direction on this movie is very poor. Shockingly, the director is Ridley Scott:a man who should know better. Gary Oldman is horrible as Mason Verger. He plays a crippled child molester with no face. He has no face because Hannibal doped him up and told him to feed it to his dogs. In retaliation, Mason trains giant pigs to eat Hannibal. Why pigs? Dogs would be more appropriate considering what happened to him. The scene where Mason feeds Hannibal to the pigs infuriated me to no end and established that Thomas Harris had turned Hannibal into a Mary Sue. When Hannibal's with the pigs, they don't try to eat him. Ridley tries to explain it on the commentary by saying that it was either the lack of blood, Hannibal not screaming, or the pigs sensing an animal feel to Hannibal that lead to it. In the book, however, it was because the pigs respected Hannibal too much. Yes, really.
 
Brett Ratner directed a better Hannibal Lecter than Ridley Scott. Where is your God now?!? Grade: D-
 
Next-up: Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2012 at 9:07am
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

When Hannibal's with the pigs, they don't try to eat him. Ridley tries to explain it on the commentary by saying that it was either the lack of blood, Hannibal not screaming, or the pigs sensing an animal feel to Hannibal that lead to it. In the book, however, it was because the pigs respected Hannibal too much. Yes, really.
I'm confused. Which of those explanations would you have prefered?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 25 2012 at 2:04pm
I prefer Scott's because it less Mary Sue-ish than Harris's. What's less dumb: man-eating pigs sensing a kindred spirit in a fellow man-eater (Scott's explanation) or man-eating pigs respect someone they've never meet before (Harris's explanation)? The only good thing to come out of the pigs wwas that it helped inspire the best episode of South Park.
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