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    Posted: February 22 2014 at 6:58pm
I meant I promised to review it in theaters, but I didn't review it until it was on DVD.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 08 2014 at 10:12am
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)



The Blair Witch Project is a rather interesting film. It seems to be one of those films that people either really love or really hate. I sort of can see both sides of the argument. However, I lean towards actually really liking the film. I mean it's nothing to really love but there's not much to really hate about it either. Let's get started shall we?

The film revolves around three college students who are studying the myth of The Blair Witch that lives in the forests of Maryland. They begin filming and documenting their journey for the truth about this Witch. Tragic and mysterious things begin to happen as a looming evil follows them wherever they go. I might as well get to the weak points about this movie. Firstly, the acting ranges form great to really weak. Let's just say I understand why Heather Donahue won the Worst Actress Razzie. It's plainly obvious she's acting. In a found footage film or a mock-umentary your character needs to come off very real. In fact, acting in a fake documentary might be even harder than acting in a total fiction film altogether. Then there are times when she goes very over the top to the point where she sounds like a banshee screaming at the top of her lungs.

There are also times when the film just really drags. It's almost as if the filmmakers struggled to make this a feature length movie and boy does it show. There are times when we look at branches or rocks longer than it's needed. Also, I would've liked to know a little bit more about our characters here. I mean they're not cardboard cut outs or anything like that but I wish they could've been fleshed out a little more. Maybe then, these people wouldn't be just victims they could be someone we could relate to and feel a little bit as if we really care about them.

Now what is it that makes this film really good? Well firstly I think the realest thing about this movie is atmosphere that it sets up. The first 15 or 20 minutes of the film the college kids are interviewing regular town folk about the Blair Witch. These are the best actors in the movie and they're barely in it for five minutes at a time. These people don't seem like they're acting they feel like real people and that's what I wanted from our three main characters. However, the characters we're given aren't necessarily bad, you do end up not only feeling sorry for them but feeling they're fear. We didn't need an old crone or monstrous witch to jump scare us we feel her presence by the way our character's desperation and wanting to get out of the forest. And really, that's the best thing about The Blair Witch Project, it's the myth that scares us and not the actual witch. That is really hard to pull off in a horror film. In fact, we don't even know if there really is a Blair Witch. For all we know, these kids have totally lost their mind and end up killing themselves somehow.

Is the Blair Witch Project perfect? Of course not, there are a lot of pointless scenes and really off-beat acting we have to sit through. However, I do really like this movie because how different it is. Which is why I think a lot of people didn't like it. It's a different type of horror film. Slasher films were back on the rise at the time because Scream had just came out and people didn't like this new style. When you think about it, The Blair Witch Project would fit in perfectly in this decade. Found Footage films have become their own genre with Paranormal Activity, Chronicle ETC. I do highly recommend this movie because it's very different, it's actually scary and the atmosphere is just as creepy as the Legend of The Blair Witch herself.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 08 2014 at 10:41am
The sequel answers that. Although, a lot of fans pretend like the sequel never existed.
Originally posted by moviecritic1994

we don't even know if there really is a Blair Witch. For all we know, these kids have totally lost their mind and end up killing themselves somehow.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 08 2014 at 10:44am
Yeah that's a good idea Why would you even make a sequel to a movie like Blair Witch? That's just as foolish as making those sequels for Psycho and Basic Instinct. Nowadays, movies seem to be growing into franchises which can be fine but not every film needs to be a cultural phenomenon. I don't know, I guess I want films to have a beginning, a middle and an end. Am I crazy asking for that?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 08 2014 at 11:55am
The first Psycho sequel was actually good. The third and fourth film were awful though.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 23 2014 at 7:26pm
Time to review The Village, a film that starts out great before completely crapping itself.

As I mentioned in the intro, the start of the film is great. Most of the actors are good, especially Bryce Dallas Howard as Ivy. The scenes with the monsters are creepy as Hell. Easily the best part of the film is James Newton Howard's score. It's so great that, in 2005, the American Film Institute nominated it for Best Score in an American movie ever. It didn't make it to the final 25, but to even be considered is an honor. Watching it divorced from the end of the movie, it's an interesting and exciting period horror movie.

About the only thing wrong with the first pre-twist part of the movie is Adrien Brody. He plays Noah, the village idiot, in one of the most unintentionally hilarious performances I've ever seen. The scene where he stabs Joaquin Phoenix's character is unintentional comedy gold. Not helping matters, he acts just like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder. Doesn't Brody know to never go full-retard?

Normally I wouldn't spoil the ending of a movie, but since everyone on this board most likely knows the ending I'm just going to outright say it. It turns out the film actually place in contemporary times and the monsters are fake. This completely ruined the film for me. When I re-watched it again, I couldn't take the movie seriously and was left un-scared. On its own it's an awful ending but when you really think about it, it's even worse. The village has been around for about 30 years, which means it was shortly after the Manson family has their moment in the sun. There's a mention of William Hurt's character getting the village to be declared a no-fly zone, which means that the government knows about it. In no sane world would the government allow a crazy religious cult to do this, especially with the Manson family still in the public's mind. And when you take the religious cults that have sprouted since then, like Jim Jones, Waco, and Heaven's Gate, the government would have put the ke-bosh on this place quickly. In addition, it makes the village elders looks horrifically unlikable. Not only have they been lying to their children, but they've made their lives worse off than if they lived normally. It's mentioned that Ivy's blindness would have been preventable in a modern hospital. Yes, her father would rather she go the rest of her life without seeing than take her out of the village. It's also implied that Noah has mental issues that could have been taken care of with modern medicine. But again, they'd rather live in pretend land than help their children.

Well, this was the beginning of the end for M. Night Shyamalan. His next film was Lady In The Water, and we all know how well that turned out. Grade: C+
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 24 2014 at 9:41am
That's the point of the movie. And that's why it should be disturbing if you re-watch the movie. The elders couldn't move on from loosing a loved one, and they thought that the whole modern world was bad. They thought that technology influences on morals and ethics. They're also hypocrites by scaring the people in order to keep them there.

The reason why IVY was chosen to go for medicine was because she was blind and she wouldn't notice the lie. They thought it was more important to keep their lie alive than to think about safety (sending a blind woman through the forrest?!).
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

it makes the village elders looks horrifically unlikable. Not only have they been lying to their children, but they've made their lives worse off than if they lived normally. It's mentioned that Ivy's blindness would have been preventable in a modern hospital. Yes, her father would rather she go the rest of her life without seeing than take her out of the village. It's also implied that Noah has mental issues that could have been taken care of with modern medicine. But again, they'd rather live in pretend land than help their children.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 25 2014 at 3:37am
FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (2003)



Wow... This film really took me by surprise. I had such a great time watching this movie. Oh don't get me wrong, From Justin To Kelly is probably one of the worst movies ever made. But you know what? I laughed so hard and was fascinated about how bad it really is. The Acting, writing and musical numbers are just so bad that it just results in a hilarious piece of Crap. All I can say is... WOW!

Now it's going to be very hard describing this plot here because really I am not sure if there really is one. It's very clumsy with no execution whatsoever. So apparently Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini play... Justin and Kelly. They are having fun with their friends on Spring Break in Miami. Somehow they feel a "connection" (sure whatever) that pretty much is never fully realized because this evil Blonde gets in the way for no real reason. Yeah like I said, this movie has a plot that makes absolutely no sense. In fact, the romance makes no sense. Any time Justin and Kelly try to be romantic I would imiidately start laughing. It's obvious Kelly Clarkson doesn't want to be in this movie and it's clear Justin is no actor. I must also point out this feels like a Rip Off to a lot of Disney movies. There's a very fast romance, comic relief characters that could easily be talking animals and an evil woman who gets a villain song. Oh but it gets even better!

The acting in this movie is just awful, we are talking "The Room" type of awful. No emotion is believable from anyone in this movie. I think the only person who does a decent job is Anika Noni Rose and even then that's not saying much. Still, the acting overall gets a big laugh from me and really that's one of the reasons why I enjoyed this movie in a "So bad it's good" way.

Though I must say the musical numbers can get very tiring. Some of them last really long and the songs are not very good. Obviously, this movie was a promotional tool for American Idol so yeah talk about Buyer's remorse. Still, it's very fascinating how bad the musical and dance numbers are. I can't really describe it, this movie is the type of bad you only hear in fairy tales. And really that's what From Justin To Kelly is, a bad movie people like me dream about.

Honestly, I don't know what else to say about this movie. Strangely enough, I kind of recommend it. It's just one of those films that is so bad it needs to be watched. The acting is awful, the writing is horrendously awful, the musical numbers are laughable, the two leads have no chemistry and yet I had a great time watching possibly one of the worst movies ever made.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote oiram Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: March 25 2014 at 4:36am
Kelly Clarkson should be thankful for her singing career, because she would have been forgotten after that.
Elizabeth Hartman and Judith Barsi are more talented and beautiful than Scarlett Johansson and Chloe Grace Moretz. Fact.

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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: April 01 2014 at 3:04pm
Time for special April Fool's Day review. Now, as I mentioned in the main forum, it's going to be a 20 worst things review of a rotten asshole movie. This film won a crap ton of Razzies, including Worst Picture, Director, Actor, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, Screenplay, Screen Couple, Drama of our First 25 Years, and Movie of the 2000's. Yes, my friends, I'm reviewing Battlefield Earth!!!!!!!!!!

20.) The half-assed censorship of the "Clinko" scene: When the Psychlos are educating Johnny, they get an alien hologram to teach him about Euclidean Geometry. The alien is an offensive Asian stereotype and there's a reason for that: in the book, he was called "Chinko" which is modified version of a slur aimed at Chinese people because L. Ron Hubbard was a monstrous racist. They changed it to "Clinko" to make it more PC, but the didn't bother to make sure the character itself wasn't awful.

19.) Moronic names: The characters in the film have incredibly stupid names. Our hero Johnny's middle name is, no joke, Goodboy. Yes really. Also, one of Terl's superiors is named Planetship. Yes Planetship. Now, you could argue that this shouldn't be on here because it's from the book. But they changed the "Chinkos" name, so why not make the names less dumb.

18.) Kelly Preston's cameo: Kelly Preston has a weird cameo as a Psychlo prostitute. She licks Terl all over his body with an awful-looking CGI tongue. It's supposed to be sexy, but it's about as sexy as dead kittens. The foreplay ("I'm going to make you as happy as baby Psychlo on a straight diet of Kerbango.") make it worse.

17.) Leverage!!: This movie desperately tried to make "Leverage" happen. Desperately and they failed miserably. If you took a drink whenever someone said leverage, you'd die of alcohol poisoning within the first hour.

16.) Length/Pacing: Battlefield Earth is an hour, 58 minutes long. The pacing's so bad, that it feels like 4 hours.

15.) The mess hall scene: In this scene, Johnny beats up a guy over food. He then says that they have enough problems without fighting over food. The cognitive dissonance between his speech and his actions is hilarious.

14.) The Blade Runner rip-off: There's an absolutely shameless scene where Johnny is thrown through a bunch of plates of glass. It's blatantly lifted from Blade Runner. They shouldn't remind of us of better movies.

13.) The Star Wars rip-off: The scene where the cavemen in Harrier Jets fight the Psychlos is lifted from the Battle of Yavin from Star Wars. Again, stop reminding us of better movies.

12.) The Matrix rip-off: There's a scene where Johnny's shot at while running between columns. Not only does the scene itself rip-off of the lobby shoot out from The Matrix, but the music sounds like the score from The Matrix too.

11.) Do the writers know how things work in real life?: Several scenes in the film give off the indication that the writers have no idea how things work in the real world. The most shameful examples are:

10.) Harrier Jets are hard to fly: Harrier Jets are some of the hardest things to learn to fly in the world. In this film, f*cking cavemen learn within a few weeks how to fly them.

9.) Electricity does not work that way!! Good night!: The cavemen are able to learn to fly Harrier Jets thanks to a flight simulator. The flight simulator works despite the fact that it hasn't gotten any electricity in about 1000 years. This makes no damn sense.

8.) A nuclear error: Johnny and his tribe are able to avoid the Psychlos at the beginning because their mountain is irradiated. Despite this fact, non of the members of Johnny's tribe seem deformed by the radiation that they've endured for almost 1000 years. They should look like characters from Stalker, not models in grunge!

7.) Forest Whitaker: Whitaker is ashamed of this movie and for good reason. His performance is awful and the character is racist.

6.) Barry Pepper: Pepper is also ashamed of this movie. His performance is bland, the dialogue he's given is terrible, and his hair is dumb.

5.) The script: As mentioned in my Atlas Shrugged II review, I consider this one of the worst scripts ever. The dialogue is howlingly awful, the characters are moronic, it gets several things blatantly wrong, etc. JD Shapiro was right to disown it.

4.) The gold scene: In one scene, Johnny presents Terl with gold bars, liberated from Fort Knox which the Psychlos didn't attack for some reason.* Despite the fact it's smelted and they were supposed to be mining gold, Terl just accepts it and moves on.

3.) Dutch angles: One of the more memorably unpleasant things about the film is its abuse of Dutch angles. Every single scene is at a tilt, which Roger Christian is proud of for some reason. Great directors like John Huston and Robert Wiene used Dutch angles to great effect. Christian just used it because smarter directors did.

2.) Roger Christian: Christian's directing skills are horrible, but he's mainly on here for his commentary track for this film, which might actually be worse than the film itself!!!!!!!! He compares the film to Blade Runner, 2001, and Schindler's List. Yes, really.

1.) John Travolta: None of you are surprised by this and I don't think I need to explain it.

Oh, that was bad. Grade: Rotten Asshole

Next-up: The 9 dumbest moments from the Battlefield Earth Commentary track!!

*Apparently, this isn't present in the book where Fort Knox is looted early on.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: April 05 2014 at 9:44pm
BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

This review is dedicated to a very devoted Schumacher Hater.



Wow... my eyes are still blind from all the colors in this movie. Just like with the Catwoman movie, watching Batman & Robin is sort of like a right of passage for me as a film critic. This is considered one of the worst movies ever made. And... yeah it's the correct distinction. Really, who's bright idea was it to cast Arnold Schwarzenegger to be Mr. Freeze? Why is there so many colors in a movie about a dark character like Batman? How come Batman and Robin have bat nipples but Batgirl doesn't? All these questions and more shall be addressed as we take a look at Batman & Robin.


The plot is as simple as it sounds. Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy try to take over the world while Batman (George Clooney) and his whiny sidekick Robin (Chris O Donnell) try to stop them. Oh, and Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone) soon joins them. That is literally the plot with no real themes, execution or interesting twists and characters. To put it even more simply, it's like watching a really long episode of the Adam West Batman show from the 1960's. This is actually pretty insulting to the fans because this is more of a de-evolution from the previous Batman movies. Yeah say what you want about Batman Returns, at least the plot was interesting and we had a great Catwoman. In this film, we have a basic story with one noted characters that amount to nothing. I swear, Robin's only job in this movie is to whine about anything. Just like Mr. Freeze's job is to blurt out Ice puns constantly.

Do I really have to say anything about the acting in this movie? Chris O'Donnell is annoying, Schwarzenegger can't act to save his life, George Clooney looks like he's sleepwalking through this movie and Alicia Silverstone's horrid acting sticks out like the many colors in the chaotic background. It stuck out so much Silverstone even won herself a Razzie. I think the only one who does well in their role is Michael Gough as Alfred. Despite how bad this movie is, you can tell he is really trying here. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy is sort of funny in that Faye Dunaway in Supergirl type of way. I don't know, I just laughed hysterically whenever she was on screen.

I would say the biggest problem in Batman & Robin is the fact the entire film seems one huge middle finger to anyone who loves the Batman character and the batman universe in general. It just seems like Schumacher and everyone else behind this project really didn't know what they were handling. In fact, this films feels like a parody of the batman characters and anything else related to the comics or previous movies. Also the costumes these morons wear are distracting. I mean it's not Halle Berry's Catwoman costume distracting but man it's close. How do Bat nipples and ass plates add anything to the costume anyway? It just seems so random. It's just as random as a Bat Credit Card .

Yeah, it's pretty obvious why Batman & Robin is considered the movie that killed the superhero movie genre for the rest of the 90's. It is every Batman fans nightmare. The writing is awful, the acting is a joke. the characters mean absolutely meaningless and it's the biggest insult who loves batman or just superheroes in general. However, I still say Halle Berry's Catwoman is a whole lot worse.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: April 06 2014 at 9:41am
Schumacher said he wanted someone who was "bigger than life".
Originally posted by moviecritic1994

who's bright idea was it to cast Arnold Schwarzenegger to be Mr. Freeze?

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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: April 06 2014 at 9:44am
Apparently, Patrick Stewart was the first choice for Mr. Freeze. To say that this would have been an improvement would be an understatement.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: April 13 2014 at 9:04pm
Time for the dumbest moments from the Battlefield Earth commentary track. Battlefield Earth is one of the worst movies ever made and the commentary track is somehow worse. The only thing worse than watching an unwatchable movie is watching an unwatchable movie while a twit with an annoying accent blathers on about how great it is. There's two commentators are director Roger Christian and production designer Patrick Tatopoulis*. Christian says more dumb things, so I'm going to focus on him.

9.) "Good directors liked my movie so that means it's good!": Christian constantly mentions that George Lucas, Robert Rodriguez, and Quentin Tarantino loves Battlefield Earth. Considering how all three love schlocky B-movies, I wouldn't take that as a compliment.

8.) "This guy brings dignity to the movie!": Christian talks about how great the actor playing the village elder is and how he brings dignity to the film. The actor's so great, that the only thing I remember about him is how much Christian raves about him. I can't remember anything about him. So, yeah a lot of dignity brought to the film.

7.) Christian accidentally admits a flaw: While blathering about how great and gritty the special effects are, Christian lets slip that the budget was way too small for the film. It's almost like he subconsciously knows the film is crap, but doesn't want to admit it.

6.) "This unfunny joke made us laugh!": Remember this stupidifyingly unfunny scene where Jonnie comes across a sports course and thinks he's being attacked by demons? Both Christian and the worm guy thought it was hilarious. If they find this funny, then they should watch an Adam Sandler movie. They'd bust a gut.

5.) "John Travolta is like a Shakespearean king!": I'm pretty sure comparing Shakespearean actors to John Travolta is grounds for beheading.

4.) "I've seen Jean-Luc Godard and Akira Kurosawa movies, I'm smart!": One of my biggest pet peeves with commentary tracks for awful movies is when they talk about "tributes" to much better movies. Most of the time, it's idiots who think they're John Ford because they referenced The Searchers but here he's paying tribute to the films of Akira Kurosawa and Jean-Luc Godard's Alphaville. Funny, I don't remember obnoxious Dutch angles in Alphaville or the 15 Kurosawa films I've seen. He compares Battlefield Earth to another better movie, but that comparison is so wrongheaded it deserves its on rank.

3.) "I have to have Dutch angles because comic books!": Christian is oddly proud of the Dutch angles in the film. When he says that there were no non-Dutch angle shots in the film, he sounds unjustly smug about it. His reasoning for the Dutch angles is that the film is like a comic strip. If that argument makes no sense, then congratulations you're smarter than Roger Christian!

2.) "Critics are big meanies who hate sci-fi movies!": Christian claims that Battlefield Earth is ahead of its time and that the only reason why critics hate is because they hate all sci-fi films in general. That's clearly true and not the musings of a lunatic with an ego that dwarfs Kanye West's. I mean, it's not like a sci-fi movie just won best Director or something.

Before I get to the #1 dumbest moment, I should clarify I'm not making it up. Yes, it's that dumb.

1.) "This film is Schindler's List-y in places.": Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????????????

Roger Christian's most recent film is Stranded, a direct-to-video Alien rip-off starring Christian Slater. So, the quality of his work is consistent.

Next-up: The 9 "Best" Things About Reefer Madness!!!

*If the last name sounds familiar, he also worked on the Godzilla remake and inspired Matthew Broderick's character's last name.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: April 14 2014 at 10:30am
Did he say how?
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

"This film is Schindler's List-y in places."
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: April 14 2014 at 4:51pm
I don't remember. After he said that, I literally shouted what the f*ck. I decided to look up to see if anyone else transcribed it. Either Christian didn't go into details or everyone else had the same exact reaction I did. Both are plausible.

One other note: before the film came out, John Travolta described the film as "the Schindler's List of science fiction."* Coincidence, or was Christian coached on what to say?

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