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Given That It's Seltzerberg It's SURE to SUCK!!

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HeadRAZZBerry View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote HeadRAZZBerry Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Given That It's Seltzerberg It's SURE to SUCK!!
    Posted: August 12 2010 at 1:52pm
WE'RE CLEARLY NO FANS of the TWILIGHT SAGA/FRANCHISE (LINK1, LINK 2). BUT WE'RE EVEN LESS ENAMORED of the LAZY, LOUSY, NEARLY LAUGH-FREE WORK of THAT MOVIE/MOVIE-MAKING DUO of DOLTS KNOWN COLLECTIVELY as "SELTZER-BERG."  

TO DATE, THEIR SO-CALLED "MOVIES" HAVE RACKED UP a GRAND TOTAL of 15  RAZZIE® NOMINATIONS, BUT ONLY ONE ACTUAL  RAZZIE® "WIN." AND EVEN IN AS OVER-CROWDED a FIELD of CINEMATIC STINKERS as 2010 PRESENTS, THEIR LATEST EFFORT, VAMPIRES SUCK, SEEMS PRESCIENTLY TITLED. RIFFING ON (WHICH, in the WORLD of SELTZER-BERG, IS APPARENTLY SYNONYMOUS with "RIPPING OFF") the TWILIGHT MOVIES, the RECENT ALICE IN WONDERLAND REMAKE, AVATAR and MORE, THIS ONE'S TRAILER FEATURES 90 SECONDS of "PARODY" SCENES, WHICH HAVE ALL of...THREE-QUARTERS of ONE LAUGH AMONG THEM. AND, TRUE to "SELTZERBERG's" TRACK RECORD, ALL of the JOKES ARE JUVENILE ENOUGH THAT a CLASSROOM of COMEDY-CHALLENGED PRE-SCHOOLERS COULD'VE COME UP with BETTER MATERIAL. 

BUT DON'T LET US HAVE ALL the FUN KICKING THIS SUCKY VAMPIRE SATIRE in the TEETH, GO AHEAD and SINK YOUR OWN FANGS INTO IT BELOW -- WHATEVER YOU POST IS BOUND to BE FUNNIER THAN ANYTHING in the MOVIE ITSELF!



"That's right...we're BAD.  But not in a good way..." 


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Movierican21 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Movierican21 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 12 2010 at 3:36pm
I Think the saddest thing is that when I saw the trailer on YouTube, about 90% of the people that commented on the video seemed like they were excited about it. I once payed for a ticket to see Meet the Spartans in the theatre, and I'm still trying to find a way to redeem myself two years later. Unfortunately "Seltzer-Berg" will be laughing all the way to the bank. Maybe they should make a movie about them doing that..but they won't, because they refuse to make anything remotely funny. 
These movies are as dumb as a job fair in a retirement home.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 12 2010 at 4:06pm
I saw the trailer. I admit I laugh my *ss off to the Black Eyed Peas joke, but that's it. Anyway,I know each of their movies is worse than the previous one, but this one has Ken Jeong in it. I'm not someone who thinks a movie is good based only on the performances, but that has to add a few points.
You can follow me @Vits_Chile
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Berrynoia Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 12 2010 at 6:05pm
If you want to redeem yourself, throw "Seltzer-Berg" into the pit from Meet The Spartans -- and make the pit is full of spikes to impale them. Then again, I think the House of Wax/Paris Hilton method may be better.  And make those two guys wear women's panties when you do it!  

Anyway, is it just me or are those two directors hiding the fact that they made this from the previews?  You don't hear "from 2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie" or "from the creators of Epic Movie" anymore.  They don't want people to know because it would immediately scare away any potential morons--I mean customers--from watching this. 

BTW, have you ever seen the Seltzerberg trope? It mentions how they get their material directly from movie trailers, how they always explain the joke, and other characteristics of their movies.  

Also, it seemed that there was very little information was made about Vampires Suck until recently.  I wonder..did Seltzer and Friedberg make this movie in less than six months?  
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Post Options Post Options   Quote BurnHollywoodBurn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 12 2010 at 8:06pm
The only reason people are excited about it is because it's a mainstream movie that mocks "Twilight," that's it. But like HeadRazz wrote, the jokes are so simple and easy that a grade school child could have thought them up. 

I feel sorry for anyone who pays money to see this -- they would be better off wiping their asses with their $10, because that's almost exactly the same thing as giving money to support any "Seltzer-Berg" project.
The Four Horsemen of the Moviepocalypse: uncalled for sequels/remakes/reboots, 3-D surcharges, untalented "celebrities", and anything with Michael Bay's name attached to it.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote MiguelAntilsu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 12 2010 at 8:25pm
This film may end up taking the cake no matter how it matches up to Grown Ups, Killers and The Last Airbender.  The only real light in this film is that it has more vampire references than Disaster Movie has disaster film references, but that's not enough to escape our clutches.  The only real disadvantage this film has with the Razzies is its lack of big names in the cast.  When I looked at the cast of this film, I only recognized three names: Ken Jeong (The Hangover), Matt Lanter (Disaster Movie), and Anneliese van der Pol (That's So Raven).  Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer will probably nab four nominations for this movie (Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Remake, Ripoff or Sequel).  A few cast members might make our Nominating Ballot, but I don't think they'll actually get nominated.  
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Post Options Post Options   Quote GTAHater767 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 12 2010 at 8:56pm
Please oh please, God and Science, please! Let this movie win Worst Picture!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote BurnHollywoodBurn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 12 2010 at 9:05pm
Yes, if only! But it would seem that some Razzies voters believe that would be too easy. Then again, it would be like shooting fish in a barrel. 

PS: For once, I actually agree with all the comments made above by Miguel. Scary, I know!  

Originally posted by GTAHater767

Please oh please, God and Science, please! Let this movie win Worst Picture!!!
The Four Horsemen of the Moviepocalypse: uncalled for sequels/remakes/reboots, 3-D surcharges, untalented "celebrities", and anything with Michael Bay's name attached to it.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote GTAHater767 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 12 2010 at 9:56pm
Too easy? How the [beep] is that more important than "Seltzer-Berg" finally getting what they deserve?  
 
And if intention versus lack thereof is so important, which of the current Worst Picture/Bottom 10 front-runners were "accidental misfires"?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote BurnHollywoodBurn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 13 2010 at 5:41pm
Apparently, the debate is that voters wouldn't want to give the Razzie to a movie that was going to be bad from the word "go". It should instead go to a movie that could have been good, but something went wrong and it turned out bad instead. 

Frankly, if "Vampires Suck" really is the worst of the worst, I think it should be Razzed just because someone actually greenlit it!
The Four Horsemen of the Moviepocalypse: uncalled for sequels/remakes/reboots, 3-D surcharges, untalented "celebrities", and anything with Michael Bay's name attached to it.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote GTAHater767 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 13 2010 at 7:07pm
So to them, it's not about how bad, but instead about wasted potential? I think, it was a real dumb*** idea to even greenlight Vampires Suck.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote BurnHollywoodBurn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 13 2010 at 7:27pm
In my opinion, it shouldn't matter what the original intentions of a movie were. If it's unwatcheable, creamy tar-like s***, it should be Razzed!
The Four Horsemen of the Moviepocalypse: uncalled for sequels/remakes/reboots, 3-D surcharges, untalented "celebrities", and anything with Michael Bay's name attached to it.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote cvcjr13 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 14 2010 at 2:52am

Way back, I made a list of things Seltzerberg would add into their movie.  Someone mentioned basically that Seltzerberg would not be smart enough to address something political like the Gulf Oil Spill.  I came up with a lame scene that would fit in with what Seltzerberg does.

I now expand on that scene.
 
********************************************
 
Lame Female Human (LFH): Oh, no!  It's the Oil Spill Monster!
 
[Humanoid black goo, a.k.a the Oil Spill Monster (OSM), emerges from water, walks ashore]
 
Token Vampire Babe Magnet (TVBM): I'll take care of this.
 
[TVBM approaches OSM.  TVBM hits OSM.  Oil splatters everyone and everything.  OSM slowly pulls back together]
 
LFH:  Oh, no!  You didn't kill it!  Here, let's try a junk shot!
 
[LFH and TVBM load junk food with painfully obvious brand names into circus cannon.  Fires cannon at OSM.  Junk food sticks to OSM with brand names facing out).
 
LFH:  Now, hit it!
 
[TVBM hits OSM.  Oil splatters everyone and everything again.  OSM slowly pulls back together.]
 
LFH:  Oh, no!  The junk shot didn't work!  Quick, let's try a top hat!
 
[LFH produces a top hat.  Places top hat on top of OSM.]
 
LFH:  Now, hit it!
 
[TVBM hits OSM.  Oil splatters everyone and everything again.  Top hat lands on top of TVBM's head.  OSM slowly pulls back together.]
 
LFH:  Oh, no!  The top hat didn't work.  Quick, let's try a top kill!
 
[LFH hands TVBM a firehose.  TVBM aims hose, spurts mud at the "head" of OSM.]
 
TVBM:  I suppose I hit it again.
 
LFH:  Yes!  Hurry!
 
[LFH takes over firehose.  TVBM approaches OSM, is splattered with mud.  TVBM hits OSM.  Oil and mud splatters everyone and everything.  OSM slowly pulls back together.  Wolfman Show-Off (WSO) enters, takes top hat, puts it on.]
 
WSO:  Don't you know the only way to kill an Oil Spill Monster is with a relief well?
 
[WSO quickly digs a well in front of slow-moving OSM.  OSM stops at the brink of the pit.  TVBM comes up behind OSM].
 
WSO:  Now, hit it, gently!
 
[TVBM hits OSM.  OSM falls into pit.]
 
TVBM:  Well, that's great, but why do you call this a "relief" well?
 
[WSO turns into a wolf.  Wolf raises leg and pees into pit.  OSM groans, melts into ground.]
 
I admit, that scene isn't all that funny or original, but I feel it's probably funnier than most of Vampires Suck. . . .
 
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Post Options Post Options   Quote BurnHollywoodBurn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 14 2010 at 10:19am
Wow, that was painfully unfunny! Yeah, I'm surprised Seltzerberg didn't go along with that, because that would be as dumb and tasteless as anything else they have written.
The Four Horsemen of the Moviepocalypse: uncalled for sequels/remakes/reboots, 3-D surcharges, untalented "celebrities", and anything with Michael Bay's name attached to it.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote cvcjr13 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 14 2010 at 10:59pm
Hope I didn't hurt ya!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote BurnHollywoodBurn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 15 2010 at 5:17pm
Originally posted by cvcjr13

Hope I didn't hurt ya!
I'm fine. Although had that actually been in the movie, it would have been even more painful than just reading it.
The Four Horsemen of the Moviepocalypse: uncalled for sequels/remakes/reboots, 3-D surcharges, untalented "celebrities", and anything with Michael Bay's name attached to it.
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