Lindsay in a Look-Alike "Thriller/Killer"

 

9.) Julia Ormond: A few people have defended her performance, but I don't see how. The scene where she cleans while Dakota bangs Audrey's boyfriend is hilarious.

 

8.) Neal McDonaugh: He plays Audrey/Dakota's "dad" and his performance is bad. His character does one of the dumbest things in recent film history. After his baby is stillborn, he buys a baby froma junkie in the hospital who has twins. And he never told his wife about it. What kind of person would do this?

 

7.) The Art Bell cameo: Towards the end of the movie, Art Bell shows up to talk about twin stimata. It's kind of like how Shamwow showed up in Signs to explain a plot point. Except, Shamwow's character had some previous scenes in the film and didn't come completely out of nowhere. Art Bell shows up, then disappears.

 

6.) The torture scenes: I Know Who Killed Me really wanted in on that torture porn cash. It's only fitting that it came out after it fell out of fashion. The torture scene is the only one scene in the movie. And the only torture in the film as Dakota doesn't lose any body parts during the rest of the film. One thing that they could have done to make this concept more interesting is if he started torturing Audrey after Dakota was discredited. That way, the FBI investigators would have had second thoughts about writing her story off.

 

5.) Thomas Tofel: Tofel gives a crappy performance as Audrey's piano teacher. He's, also, the main villain of the film, killing off any students who stop taking his lessons. Wouldn't this make him an obvious suspect? One of his former students was murdered and the killer was never found and another went missing and showed up confused a week later.

 

4.) The color scheme: A review of this movie wouldn't be complete without a mention of the hilariously unsubtle color scheme. See red means that it's Dakota that's on-screen and blue means that it's Audrey. It's so unsubtle that it makes the reveal that they're twins unsurprising.

 

3.) Lindsay Lohan: I bet you're surprised that she's not number 1. This is easily her worst performance and considering her recent output, that's shocking. And then there's her weird sense of decency. One of her roles is as a stripper, but there's no nudity with her. Now, Jessica Alba did have a nude scene in Sin City despite being a stripper, but there's a difference: Alba never showed up to a children's event commando.

 

2.) The script: To best describe the script, just imagine this: David Lynch is getting ready to write a script, but someone throws a rock at him and he gets a concussion, but writes anyway. Now imagine the script that would be the result of that and make it 100 times worse.

 

1.) Chris Sivertson: Even if this was directed by a half decent director, this film would still suck, but not to the degree that it does. But, Sivertson manages to make every single thing worse! For example, in the right hands, the color scheme could be clever. If it was subtlely done, it could be something that you don't pick up until the second viewing. But, Sivertson doesn't know the meaning of subtle so we have the mess we have now.

 

Apparantly, the original ending was supposed to be an "all just a story" ending. I'm kind of glad they nixed that idea. Grade: F

 

Next-up: Resident Evil!