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SchumacherH8ter View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Forum member reviews
    Posted: June 22 2013 at 10:09pm
Time to review Friday The 13th Part V, the worst of the Friday The 13th's. Man does that say a lot!

The good:

The kills: When I announced a review of this, I mentioned the poor gore, but I was thinking of Friday The 13th VII, which had piss-poor kills. It may seem shallow to put this here, but with the boring mess we have now, you gotta appreciate the little things.

The bad:

The acting: Expecting good acting in a Friday The 13th is like expecting Kevin James to be funny, but the acting is especially bad in this. Specifically, there's a scene where a fat teen is talking about sh*t and then another teen kills him with an axe. This scene is supposed to be scary, but the annoyingness of the fat one and the hilarious look on the killer's face make it silly.

John Shepherd: He plays the grown-up Tommy, played by Corey Feldman in Part IV. If you listen to the commentary, Shepherd claims that this role killed his career, making it impossible for people to see him as anything other than Tommy, but I think the reason his career didn't take off wasn't because he was Tommy, but more that he was in this!

Shavar Ross: Ross, or as he's most likely called by, Dudley, or even more likely Mr. Horton's playmate, is very annoying here as Reggie. The only reason I can think for him being here is because Part IV has sucess with Tommy and assumed that just having a kid around would make it popular, not realizing that Tommy was popular because he killed Jason at the end. Jason is easily the worst non-bicycle-shop-owner that Ross ever faced!

The ugly:

Miguel A Nunez, Jr.: Juwanna Man plays Reggie's brother Demon. He's more annoying than Reggie and the fat teen combined! At least he gets killed in an outhouse.

The plot: Expecting a good plot in a Friday The 13th is like expecting Kevin James to now be an annoying, no talent, over-exposed, unfunny, hack, but the plot in this is bad. The reason for this is because...

No Jason!!: That's right, Jason isn't in this. Instead, the killer is the fat teen's dad, killing everyone he knew. Except for the one that actually killed him! It's not like Jason has survived worst. The end of Friday The 13th Part III was violent than what killed him and he just walked up after that, killing a couple of horny nurses first. Now I know you're saying, "But SchumacherH8ter, the first Friday The 13th didn't have Jason." The difference is that we didn't know about Jason until the end of the movie and they didn't have a fat teen's dad pretending to be him!

You know what would be an awesome idea for the next Friday The 13th? If Kevin James played the head of Camp Crystal Lake and he ends up getting stabbed with a framed poster of Zookeeper. Grade: D-

Next-up: Zookeeper!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 22 2013 at 10:10pm
Time to review the first Saw. It's interesting to watch the film again after seeing the sequels, because of how "not gory" it seems. Don't get me wrong, it is gory. But, compared to the sequels, its gore level is low.

The good:

The acting: The acting in this one is surprisingly good. Cary Elwes and Leigh Whannel have nice chemistry as two people stuck in a room together who slowly grow to hate each other.

The story: Or, more accurately, how it has one beyond the basic storylines of the later sequels. (i.e. people get killed and sh*t!)

The twist: The twist in this is the best kind: the kind that you don't see coming, makes some semblance of sense, and doesn't make the viewing experience pointless.

The bad:

Shawnee Smith: Smith is kinda stiff in this. Fortunately, she gets better in Saw II and even the massively sh*tty Saw III.

The ugly:

I can't really think of something really terrible about this one. The only terrible thing is that it lead to Saw V!

Well, that's the first Saw. I think that it gets unfairly lumped in with the sequels. Grade: B

Next-up: Saw II!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 22 2013 at 10:12pm
Just beat Ocarina Of Time 3D. Without the Biggoron's Sword!* I'm still proud of this fact.With that useless piece of info out of the way, onto Saw II.

The good:

The plot: The films hadn't devolved into the plotless gorefest yet when this came out. It's your basic people trapped in a building plot that's handled well.

The characters: The characters in this are interesting. They show enough ambition that you want them to succede, which makes their fates more disheartening.

Tobin Bell: After playing dead throughout 99% of the first one, Bell gets his time to shine. There's one scene with him that I like that I'm not sure why. The scene in question is when he asks for water. It's just the way he says it that make it awesome.

The bad:

Fans use of Xavier: While Franky G's** performance is good, a lot of less than sane fans use his evilness to try and justify Jigsaw's motives. While Xavier may be more evil, it's like saying Prince is tall because he's taller than Shakira!

The ugly:

The amount of gore: I don't have a problem with excessive gore when there's a plot like here. The problem I have is that it completely screwed over the franchise potential. The amount of gore, combined with the terrible sequels, led people to denounce it as mindless gore.

Well, that's it for good Saw movies*** Grade: B-

Next-up: Saw III!

*For those that haven't played it, the Biggoron's Sword is one of the most devasting weapons in the game.
**Yes, his name is Franky G.
***Until, 2009.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 22 2013 at 10:17pm
Well, that's all my old reviews that don't have their own forum. Also, least I get accused of "burying" it, moviecritic1994 did a pretty good, fact-based review of The Bling Ring back on page 7.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 22 2013 at 10:26pm
I was only kidding Schumacherh8ter
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 22 2013 at 10:35pm
I know. Also, you mentioned that Leslie Mann's character home schools her kids with The Secret. As someone who absolutely hates The Secret,* I'm interested into how it's portrayed. Hopefully negative.

*The only good thing about it is this (second review).
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 22 2013 at 10:45pm
Basically, her kids think "The Secret" is crap just by their attitude.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 22 2013 at 10:53pm
Good to know. Also, going over my old reviews, the reviews of unintentionally perverted children's films are probably the funniest ones. I still can't get over how distirbing the poster for Furry Vengeance is. I'm contemplating doing another Child Abuse Month.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 22 2013 at 11:04pm
Speaking of perverted films, I have yet to review both Jack and Jill and That's my Boy. The difference between those films is "That's My Boy" actually looks like an effort while Jack and Jill looks like a boring SNL sketch.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 22 2013 at 11:05pm
By an effort, I mean the cast of "That's My Boy" actually tries.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2013 at 3:39am
JACK and JILL (2011)  

This film is utterly mystifying. It's so bad I can't even put my opinion into words. The first statement that comes to mind is this: A major step backward for Adam Sandler. How bad is this film? Well let's explore this epic failure together, shall we?

We must state the most obvious problem first, Adam Sandler portraying the irritating role of Jill. I don't have to mention him playing Jack because well he's just playing himself in that role. I might as well say it now: Jill is the most annoying character in all of cinema. "She" might even beat out the likes of Jar-Jar Binks and Pauly Shore, "her" character is so annoying and exaggerated. The reason for all this hate is simple, Adam Sandler is the least convincing "woman" ever. I should point out this drag in movies isn't new. Successful films like Mrs. Doubt-fire and Tootsie actually pulled it off quite well. However, not every actor can dress in drag and become a whole new character. Sandler makes it plainly obvious he is not a versatile actor at all.

Well how about the story and characters? Jack Sadelstein works in the commercial business and seems to have a perfect existence. Except for one problem, his twin sister Jill is visiting for the holidays. From one point, I understand why Jack doesn't like his sister around. Do I need to mention how annoying "she" is again? However, the characters in this film are very mean-spirited, especially toward Jill. More than half the time, the supporting cast does nothing but insult and make fun of Jill behind her back. Someone needs to tell whoever wrote this garbage that being mean just for the sake of being mean isn't funny. It's downright cruel and heartless. Also, I must add there really is no real plot to this film. All we see is a pair of Sandler twins running amok. Yeah, there's "romantic potential" between Jill and Al Pacino (we'll get to him in a minute), but besides that, there's not much narrative in this movie.

The acting in this film is terrible, especially consaidering there are people in this movie that we all know can act. I must first point out the weird acting done by Katie Holmes. She plays Jack's wife in this film. Now, I'm not saying Holmes is the best actress ever. But I guess the reason why I like her so much is because I watched "Dawson's Creek" a lot and liked her in the role of Joey Potter. However, I can tell just by watching her on screen that she was extremely bored filming this picture. In fact, I am sure she had no clue what she was doing on set. I have a theory she lost a bet, and that's why she's even in this film. Now let's get to the big "Celebrity Cameo
 everyone talks about, Al Pacino. A lot of people said he was the lone bright spot in this film. I must argue NO HE WASN'T! He did not say one funny line or joke at all in this movie. Like Katie Holmes, Pacino is really out of his element. Maybe that's what he wanted. I am guessing he wanted to expand as an actor and star in a comedy. Though an unlikely theory, I don't see how else in the world he would ever say yes to this movie. However, I feel even more sorry for Johnny Depp. Yes, he only has one scene in this movie and only 2 or 3 lines. Still, again I am confused. I don't care if Adam Sandler wanted me to be an extra in this film, I still would've said NO in a millisecond.

If you need any more persuasion to stay away from this movie, I will close this review with this fun fact. "Jack and Jill" is the first film ever to win all 10 Razzie Awards including Worst Picture. Along with Worst Actor and Worst Actress both going to Adam Sandler. Need I say more? 


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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2013 at 11:47am
In this video, people react to an interview of Will & Jaden Smith promoting AFTER EARTH. I had the same reaction while re-reading SchumacherH8r's reviews. Wait, that came out weird. Watch the video (or just a part) and you'll understand.

MovieCritic, does THE BLING RING "feel" like a Sofia Coppola movie? I mean, does it have 5 minute-long shots of people doing random things?
Originally posted by moviecritic1994

A major step backward for Adam Sandler.
Is this sarcasm?
LOL
Originally posted by moviecritic1994

Sandler makes it plainly obvious he is not versatile actor at all.
He wasn't trying to convince us that he's a woman, because he was thinking with S.N.L. mentality. Also, without that being obvious, there wouldn't be moments of breaking the 4th wall. Not that what he did is O.K. I'm just trying to explain his reasonings.
Originally posted by moviecritic1994

I must first point out the weird acting done by Katie Holmes. She plays Jack's wife in this film. Now, I'm not saying Holmes is the best actress ever. But I guess the reason why I like her so much is because I watched "Dawson's Creek" a lot and liked her in the role of Joey Potter.
For certain reasons, I'm re-watching the final seasons of that show. And yeah, she's a better actress that most people give her credit for.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2013 at 2:31pm
There are times in The Bling Ring where all the kids do is party and get high. That's what I meant when I said there are too many montages in this movie.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2013 at 5:13pm
moviecritic1994, have you ever watched Half In The Bag's review of Jack And Jill? It's honestly one of the funniest things I've eer seen.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2013 at 6:05pm
I love their lists, I mean everything those two said was fantastic. Jack and Jill can be described in one word... LAZY!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote HeadRAZZBerry Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2013 at 6:13pm
UPDATE from Head RAZZberry: In case any of you haven't seen it, here's my favorite YouTube "riff" on JACK & JILL. I was so impressed with this piece, I showed it to RAZZIE® Voters who attended last year's Pre-Vue Nite Member Event...ENJOY!  

 


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