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moviecritic1994 View Drop Down
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    Posted: June 23 2013 at 6:18pm
"TURN IT OFF!!!"    That was Funny!  


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oiram View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote oiram Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2013 at 6:52pm
I wouldn't say that (And don't get me wrong, it is funny), I would say its high up as one of the most insightful things I've ever seen.

Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

moviecritic1994, have you ever watched Half In The Bag's review of Jack And Jill? It's honestly one of the funniest things I've eer seen.
Elizabeth Hartman and Judith Barsi are more talented and beautiful than Scarlett Johansson and Chloe Grace Moretz. Fact.

Worst Supporting Actor: Brendan Fraser/Gimme Shelter and The Nut Job


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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2013 at 9:18pm
Time to start my first review week in a long time. Starting it off is The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane, the first (and thankfully last) starring role of Andrew Dice Clay. Notably earning the ire of Nora Dunn, Roger Ebert, and Sinead O'Connor, Clay's painfully unfunny act alternated between offensive un-PC jokes and filthy parodies of nursery rhymes. In this regard, he was the Seltzerberg to Weird Al's Mel Brooks.

There's one funny scene and that's Gilbert Gottfried's death scene. And not just because I was glad to see him gone. Gottfried plays a Howard Stern-like radio host who's killed on the air. The funny part is that his listeners don't realize that he's actually being murdered. I, also, enjoyed Ed O'Neil's performance as a cop/former disco artist.

A pre-Dumb And Dumber Lauren Holly plays Fairlane's assistant and eventual love interest. Her character is annoying and she has no chemistry with Clay. Also annoying is Maddie Corman as Zuzu Petals*. She's a spaced out groupie with way more screen-time than justified. And despite his death scene, Gottfried deserved his Razzie nod.

Renny Harlin's direction is awful, like usual. There's a reason why this is his only comedy. A good measure of a film is how good the villain is. In this film, the villain is Wayne Newton. Yes, really. If this film was shot today, he'd be slightly more intimidating considering all those awful plastic surgeries he's had. The script is terrible as well. It's attempts at comedy are terrible. One "funny" scene involves Ford oogling an apparantly dead girl's breasts. Charming. But, it's stabs at drama are even worse. Especially bad are Ford's interactions with a kid who's missing his dad. It's supposed to come off as heartwarming and show that Ford has a good heart, but they're so shameless that I wanted to barf! Apparantly, it was originally a regular private detective movie until Andrew Dice Clay signed up**. And speaking of him, his acting is truely awful in this.

Clay's career was in the skids before this was made, but this film helped end his career. So, in a way, it caused something good to happen. Grade: F

Next-up: Armageddon!!

*Yes, that is a reference to It's A Wonderful Life.
**It's kind of like how Sylvester Stallone's Cobra started off as a comedy, but was turned into an action movie. Except Cobra has way more laughs than this film.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 23 2013 at 10:29pm
Nobody talks about Andrew Dice Clay anymore. Where is he anyway? lol
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Post Options Post Options   Quote oiram Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 24 2013 at 4:19am
Clay's been cast in the newest Woody Allen movie.

Originally posted by moviecritic1994

Nobody talks about Andrew Dice Clay anymore. Where is he anyway? lol



SchumacherH8ter: I heard Elvis Presley's widow was in this, before she did Naked Gun. How bad was she?
Elizabeth Hartman and Judith Barsi are more talented and beautiful than Scarlett Johansson and Chloe Grace Moretz. Fact.

Worst Supporting Actor: Brendan Fraser/Gimme Shelter and The Nut Job


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Post Options Post Options   Quote HeadRAZZBerry Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 24 2013 at 6:28am
RESPONSE from Head RAZZberry: Though he doesn't clearly say so, I assume Oiram is asking above about ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLY LAME? If so, here's an IMDb LINK for full cast and crew info on it. Though Mrs. Presley herself was not a RAZZIE® nominee for it, the film did receive 7 nominations and "took home" 3 gold spray-painted statuettes, including a "co-win" as Worst Picture (IMDb Awards Info LINK)... 


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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 24 2013 at 6:35am
Was "Adventures of Ford Fairlane" really that bad a movie?
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 24 2013 at 7:24am
Yes MovieCritic, Ford Fairlane was that bad. If my review didn't convince you, remember, it tied for Worst Picture with Ghosts Can't Do It. 

Also Oiram: Priscilla was bad in it, but apparently not awful enough to get a nomination. 
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Post Options Post Options   Quote HeadRAZZBerry Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 24 2013 at 8:46am
RESPONSE from Head RAZZberry: Even if Priscilla Presley had been nominated for FORD FAIRLY LAME, she wouldn't have stood a chance of "winning" as Worst Supporting Actress: That was the year that Sofia Coppola in GODFATHER III set the all-time record for percentage of votes received -- a stunning 65% average for both Supporting Actress and Worst New Star

Here's the LINK to see the complete list of nominees and "winners" from that year... 


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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 24 2013 at 3:17pm
Wow, Sofia Coppola used to be an actress?  
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 24 2013 at 3:59pm
I saw him on RAISING HOPE, playing himself. Everybody talked about him like he was a legend (I don't know if that was supposed to be a joke). All I know is that if he used to say "Ow!" at the end of every joke like he did in that episode, then he must not have been very good. Comedians do that kind of thing when they don't trust their audience to understand when they get to the punchline... Or when they fear that the audience won't "get it".

Originally posted by moviecritic1994

Nobody talks about Andrew Dice Clay anymore. Where is he anyway? lol

Originally posted by moviecritic1994

Wow, Sofia Coppola used to be an actress?

"Actress" in quotation marks. She got a main role in THE GODFATHER PART III because her dad was the director. Luckily, she paid attention to the negative response to her performance and decided to become a writer/director (and a good one) instead.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 24 2013 at 6:23pm
I've never actually watched Godfather III in its entirety, despite my owning it.*  

Every time I decide to turn it off, it's during one of Sofia's scenes.


*OK, I bought it as a boxed set with the first two Godfather movies.  


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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 24 2013 at 9:21pm
Ah, Armageddon. You either love this movie or you hate it. Unless you're like me, and you're opinion falls in between. It's a pretty dumb movie, but it's nowhere near the atrocities like Pearl Harbor or those damn Transformers movies.

Unlike some (OK, most) of Michael Bay's later movies, this film has actual characters. Not flat characters. The scenes where the oil drillers are training are very entertaining. With absolutely massive exception (which I'll get to in the ugly section) these scenes are a blast to watch. Then they go in the rocket and the movie goes to sh*t. Some of the actors are good. Steve Buscemi and William Fitchner give good performances, but that's not saying much. The scenes of destruction are incredibly disturbing.

While the characters are interesting and well-deveoped, the acters playing them are not very good. Other than Buscemi and Fitchner, the acting in this film is dismal. Bruce Willis has a crappy "Southern" accent that vanishes at certain points in the film. I'm not sure if I agree with his Worst Actor win, but, considering some of his comments around the time Live Free Or Die Hard came out, Willis probably isn't too bothered by it. Owen Wilson is annoying as Oscar. Thankfuly, he dies first.

The scenes on the asteroid, as mentioned in the good section, is where the movie goes bad. It's boring, goes on for way too long, and is completely illogical. Seriously, there's f*cking grass on the asteroid. Also, at times, there appears to be wind on it. Michael Bay's direction during the non-destruction scenes is atrocious. As mentioned in the intro, this film is easiy better than Pearl Harbor and the Transformers movies, but that's not saying much. Especially annoying is the constant cuts. IMDb estimates that the cuts last an average of 1.5. seconds and I have no trouble believing it. The script is sloppy, especially since it has seven credited writers, as well as three uncredited ones. Wouldn't it be easier for NASA to train astronauts how to drill rather than training drillers to be astronauts? That question didn't come free me; Ben Affleck actually asked Bay that and he responded by telling Ben to shut up. And speaking of him, his performance is truely awful. When Willis was chasing him with a gun early in the film, I was hoping that he'd get shot. When Affleck draws the short straw ate in the fim, I was glad that his character was going to die. Then Stamper had to ruin it by performing a heroic sacrifice. Damn it. His chemistry with Liv Tyler (who is awful very awful) is horrific. But the nadir of their scenes together, and the nadir of the fim itself, is in the infamous animals crackers scene. This scene is so awful and vomit-worthy that even people who love the film hate it.

Well, that was Armageddon, the best movie about a giant rock hitting the earth in 1998. Grade: C+

Next-up: I promised Kangaroo Jack for tomorrow, but since I'm planning a sequel to Child Abuse Month I'm saving it for then. In its place is Blade: Trinity!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 25 2013 at 9:43am
Then I'm like you. During the Earth scenes, I was like  "I don't get it. This is a good movie". Then thye go to space and I'm like "Oh, now I see".

Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Ah, Armageddon. You either love this movie or you hate it. Unless you're like me, and you're opinion falls in between.


Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Wouldn't it be easier for NASA to train astronauts how to drill rather than training drillers to be astronauts?


I don't think it was about difficulty, but more about time.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 25 2013 at 10:40am
Good to know I'm not the only one who thought like that.

Funny side-note: my comment on Liv Tyler ("who is awful very awful") was supposed to read as "who is also very awful," but I think "awful very awful" is funnier.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 25 2013 at 8:51pm
Time to review Blade: Trinity, one of the worst comic book movies of all time. This followed Blade II, which was directed by the magnificent Guillermo del Toro. Even if this film was any good, it would pale in comparison.

Before I get too harsh on the film, let's start with a list of the things that I like. Don't worry, this won't take long. Patton Oswalt has fun in a small role. Parker Posey is hilariously over-the-top as a vampire queen. Well, that's it.

Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds give crap performances. She plays Abigail Whistler (daughter of Kris Kristofferson's Whistler) and he plays Hannibal King, a former vampire. A dumb thing about Abigail is that when she's fighting, she listens to her "combat playlist" on her iPod. Why no vampire just pulls her ear-plugs out and strangles her while they feast on her is not answered. Reynolds prescense helps illustrate my theory about him. Ryan Reynolds + comic book = sweet Jesus, my eyes!! (see also: X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Green Lantern.) David S. Goyer's direction is crappy. The fight scenes are very boring.

One of the more infuriating things about the film is how the films brings up interesting plot-lines and then either drops them completely or botches it. Early in the film, the vampires trick Blade into killing a human and the FBI comes after him. Abigail and Hannibal bust him out and the film seems to set up a secondary plot-line where Blade will have to avoid the authorities. This plot-line is never brought up again. Abigail and Hannibal are part of a larger group of unprofessional vampire hunters called the Nightstalkers. How's Blade going to make them professional? Well, he doesn't because all of them except for Abigail, Hannibal, and a little girl named Zoe are killed off quickly. Most infuriating, the main villain is Dracula himself!! Could you imagine how awesome a Blade V.S. Dracula fight would be? Well, too bad because Dracula is portrayed horribly (by Dominic Purcell) and he's totally untimidating. Edward Cullen is more intimidating. Hell, f*cking Renesmee would be a better fight. But, the biggest flaw of the film is Wesley Snipes. His portrayel of Blade is terrible. To make matters worse, Blade is barely in the film and most of the time he's doing a reaction shoot to one of Ryan Reynolds' awful jokes. There's a reason for his lack of screen-time. See, Snipes was being an uncooperative piece-of-sh*t on set and treated everybody terribly. He chocked Goyer and called Reynolds and Biel unflattering names. Most notably, if the shoot didn't require his face, he'd make his stunt double do it. While, everyone did their job, he was busy getting high in his trailer. When you've got a star who treats you and almost everyone on-set terribly, makes his double do most of the work, and does it terribly when he actually does some work, it isn;t surprising that Blade's barely in the film.

After the film tanked at the box-office, Snipes sued NewLine Cinema and Goyer over Blade's lack of screen-time. Grade: F

Next-up: Lady In The Water!!!
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