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    Posted: September 19 2013 at 10:44pm
THE LONELY LADY (1983)

Oh My God... This might be one of the worst (if not THE WORST) movie I ever seen. I don't even know what to say, I am so angry. And I thought Glitter was terrible! "The Lonely Lady" is a disgusting, sexist, offensive film with despicable characters and terrible writing. Why is this film so god awful? Well, let's study this piece of garbage.

Jerilee (Pia Zadora) is a struggling screenwriter who wants to work in Hollywood. However, in order to make it big she has to use her sexual "charm" to get her script made into a film. Just like Gigli, "The Lonely Lady" is way too sexual, to the point where it's uncomfortable to watch. I swear there is at least 5 sex scenes between Zadora and some member of the male cast. In fact, "The Lonely Lady" makes Gigli look like it was driven by real storytelling.

Of Course, the acting in this film is really terrible, and worst of all is Pia Zadora herself. I mean the only emotions she can do properly are "happy" and questionably "disturbed" look. Whenever she has a dramatic moment, she either overacts or looks like she really doesn't care. Despite the other actors trying their best in their roles, every character in this movie is either a psychopath, a complete idiot or the devil incarnate. Among the the worst characters is Jerilee's mother. When her daughter gets assaulted, she doesn't want to report it because she thinks they have "no chance" against the rich community of Beverly Hills. Excuse me, if your daughter just got sexually assaulted, you ought to fight back somehow...but nope, the assault is never reported and the asshole never gets arrested.

The Biggest crime of this movie has is that it literally has no humanity. It doesn't matter whether we are talking about the characters or the script, the film is consistently sexist and disturbing. In almost every Frame, there is nothing but emotionless sex or malicious cruelty toward Jerilee. It also doesn't help that Jerilee does nothing to fight for herself. Any time she is caught in a uncomfortable or disturbing situation, she just surrenders her body (and her dignity) to whoever wants to take advantage of her. There is not one moment of happiness or strength throughout the entire picture.

The sad part is I know what this movie is trying to show. "The Lonely Lady" is trying to show how vicious Life in Hollywood can be, and what low self esteem can do to your mind. But no one, including Director Peter Sasdy and the screenwriters, knows what they're talking about. This film is so mean-spirited and heartless that the "message" of the movie becomes non-existent. This won 6 Razzie Awards including Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actress for Pia Zadora and Worst Picture. It deserves all the Razzies that it got. The Acting is awful, the writing is clumsy, the direction is terrible and every scene is nothing but a heartless waste of time. Hopefully, this film will never get a DVD Release! 

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Post Options Post Options   Quote oiram Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September 20 2013 at 5:27am
Dang, that sounds bad. I don't know why you feel the need to push yourself through such awful movies as this, but I salute you for your bravery. 

I hope you can wash the stench of Lonely Lady off soon. 

Elizabeth Hartman and Judith Barsi are more talented and beautiful than Scarlett Johansson and Chloe Grace Moretz. Fact.

Worst Supporting Actor: Brendan Fraser/Gimme Shelter and The Nut Job


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Post Options Post Options   Quote JoeBacon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September 22 2013 at 7:02am
If you think moviecritic is kidding, here's the LINK to watch THE LONELY LADY (the entire movie!) on You Tube...



2014 Pic: LEFT BEHIND Actor: NICHOLAS CAGE Director: VIC ARMSTRONG, DAMN THIS SHOULD WIN EVERY RAZZIE!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote HeadRAZZBerry Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September 23 2013 at 6:29am
RESPONSE from Head RAZZberry: LONELY LADY is every bit as trashy, appalling and (I would argue) wildly funny a misfire as MovieCritic suggested above. Perhaps the most obscure of "RAZZIE® Classics," LADY was the berry first film ever to receive more nominations than we had categories (it got dual nods in Worst Supporting Actor and Worst Song for a then record total of 11!) For over a decade, it was our Awl-Time Champeen, "winning" 6 spray-painted statuettes.    

For years we've tried to pitch the film, which has never been released on DVD or Blu-Ray, as a likely first title in a Universal/MCA "RAZZIE® Classics Collection," but there's a dispute as to who owns the rights to the film at this time... 


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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 01 2013 at 8:13pm
Time to kick off the third Horror Movie Month. The first movie is Neil Jordan's adaptation of Anne Rice's Interview With The Vampire. Now, unlike most of the movies I'll review this month, this film is legitemately good. That being said, the film is incredibly goofy at times and devolves into unintentional comedy at some points.

The best performance in the film comes from a young Kirsten Dunst as Claudia, a woman who was bitten at a young age. She's mature but feels trapped being in a child's body. Her death is both sad and horrifying, Also good, but in a different way, is Tom Cruise who's having an absolute ball as Lestat. Rice thought that Cruise would be a bad choice, but she rightly changed her tune after seeing the film. The art direction of the film is great. Brad Pitt is fine as Louis.

Antonio Banderas is kind of crappy as Armand. Almost every line he says is hilarious. Apparantly, in the original novel, he was 16 years old and had auburn hair. It's not the biggest appearance deviation in book-to-film history (hello Shelly Duvall in The Shining) but it's still odd. Also, some of the special effects haven't aged well. There's some obvious wires in a couple scenes and the scene where Lestat dances with the corpse of Claudia's mother is ruined by the obvious dummy. That second one if befuddling since Stan Winston worked on this film.

About the only truely bad thing about the film is Christian Slater. His performance is impossibly bland. His character is also an idiot. He doesn't get why being a vampire is a bad thing and wants Louis to turn him into one. Thankfully, Lestat is there to end his stupidity.

Even though I promised to never review a good movie again, I make exceptions for Horror Movie Month. Grade: B

Next-up: The X From Outer Space!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 02 2013 at 9:01pm
Time to review The X From Outer Space, one of the most hilarious Japanese monster movies ever. It's ineptly made, but the makers had such enthusiam for their film that it's impossible not to like. Because the film is so delightfully dippy, I'm going to do something completely different: I'm just going to list all the scenes I like. I just can't bare to say anything bad about it.

Despite the goofy special effects fot the monster, the design is actually pretty cool. It a unique creature and deserve more attention from the kaiju community. The scenes where the creature gets into fights are awesome for two different reasons. First off, the scenes are competantly directed. Director Kazui Nihonmatsu has a great eye for action. The other reason: the tanks are obviously toys. It's literally like Plan 9 From Outer Space. The scenes where the creature causes destruction are awesome for the same reason: the destruction is awesomely directed and the cars it crushes are toy cars. But, the best part, as mentioned in the introduction, is how much love the filmmakers had for the film. They didn't have a big budget or decent actors, but the makers made up for it with love. I'd rather watch an inept movie made with love than a technically competant film made by someone who didn't care.

The reason why I did this little gush of a review is because not a whole lot of people have heard about it. Grade: B

Next-up: Andy Warhol's Frankenstein!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 03 2013 at 9:23pm
Time to review Andy Warhol's Frankenstein or, as it's sometimes called, Flesh For Frankenstein. A lot of people really hate this movie (Leonard Maltin gave it a BOMB rating). So imagine my surprise when I found myself really liking it.

Udo Kier gives a great performance as Baron Frankenstein. He's sinister and creepy. Director Paul Morrissey has a great eye for horror. The look and feel of the film is outstanding. And the score is really good too.

Joe Dallesandro gives a bland performance as Nicholas. He's the moral center of the film, but his character is poorly written and his acting makes it worse. Srdjan Zelenovic and Dalila Di Lazzaro play the monsters, but they don't look very intimidating. In fact, they look more like bored models.

The story of the film is completely wackadoo. Shockingly, the writer of the film was Tonino Guerra, who wrote Amarcord. Apparantly, the story is nothing like Mary Shelley's story. I've never read the original story. The story is so dumb that it almost feels like Warhol was giving the dumbest idea he could find the best possible treatment for the screen. Which, considering Warhol, might actually be the truth.

Despite me liking this, I could see someone hating it. Grade: B+

Next-up: Andy Warhol's Dracula!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote moviecritic1994 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 05 2013 at 1:42am
PARANORMAN (2012)

Just like with FrankenWeenie, ParaNorman is a really odd film. However I will say this much for it, ParaNorman is a whole lot better than FrankenWeenie. Yes, the animation might not be the best and the film itself seems to be a little more mature than other kid movies. But it really was fun to watch and I can see why it got nominated for Best Animated Picture.

One of the greatest things in this movie is the message. Even though it's a message we've seen over and over again the film still manages to make it Fresh and important. Norman is a kid who is bullied and teased because of his gift to talk to the dead. However, the town he lives in is under a witch's curse and only Norman can stop the curse from ripping the city apart. The message of course is to not judge other people and don't be afraid of people because they're different. Again, it's a message that has been done countless times in other films. I really loved how the film worked in the Witch Trials to the film and sort of delved into the reason why they happened without going into too much history and detail.

I have only 2 problems with the film. First off, the animation is a little choppy and kind of awkward to look at. Stop Motion Animation can be cool, but you have to know what you're doing. I mean it wasn't terrible, but just very odd and kind of out of place in the movie. Secondly, the film is a little more for teenagers and adults. This is by no means inappropriate for kids, but still I think some parents might find this film a little too mature for kids ages 6 through 8.

The characters might not be all that great, but at the very least better than the characters in FrankenWeenie. Norman himself is pretty interesting (he can talk to the dead after all) and the supporting characters get a few laughs here and there. But my favorite character in this entire movie is the Witch. I won't spoil it for you, but let's just say when you finally see her it's a nice twist.

So to sum it all up, ParaNorman is a wonderful film. It has great character, excellent writing and a worthwhile message that is still really Fresh. I highly recommend this film to be seen at least once. I must say though, I still think Wreck it Ralph should've won Best Animated Picture.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 05 2013 at 7:49am
Good review, moviecritic. I found ParaNorman to be better than Wreck-It-Ralph and deserving of the Best Animated Picture.

Sorry for the lack of review last night. I left from home at 10:30 yersterday morning and came back at 2:42 this morning! I'll get into why I was gone so long in the main forum.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 05 2013 at 12:47pm
Originally posted by moviecritic1994

This is by no means inappropriate for kids, but still I think some parents might find this film a little too mature for kids ages 6 through 8.

There are a lot of complains from parents online. Specially about the twist where the jock turns out to be gay. And you know what they were all told? That if they're dumb enough not to know what "PG" means, then they shouldn't take their kids to the movies.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 05 2013 at 10:18pm
After being pleasently surprised by Andy Warhol's Frankenstein, I was anticipating his take on Dracula, especially since I had actually read Dracula. My hopes of it being interesting were horrifically dashed: Blood For Dracula is a gigantic piece of trash. After Van Helsing, it's probably the worst film containing Dracula.

The only good performance comes from Udo Kier as Dracula. The film's prtrayel of Dracula is interesting: instead of being a monster, he's a man trapped into being evil. He's a tortured soul vampire, but he's actually handled well and Kier's performance is one of the reasons why. Dracula's easily the most likable person in the film, but considering some of the other characters, that's not saying much. The art direction on the film is great and much better than the film deserves. And I'd be remiss in not mentioning Roman Polanski's funny cameo.

Polanski's not the only great director to show up in the film. Vittorio De Sica plays the father of the daughters Dracula wants to marry (read: drain of blood). While De Sica's films are great, his performance in this film is bland. Also bad are the actresses playing his daughters. Paul Morrissey's direction this time around is bad.

As bad as the other actors, the worst of them all is Joe Dallesandro as Mario, the Commie gardener. As bad as he was in Flesh For Frankenstein, he's even worse here. The scene where he discovers that Dracula is a vampire is hilarious because of how bored he looks. His character is probably the most revolting character in the film. He's so horrible that if he was in a John Waters movie, he'd still be the most repulsive character! Before I get into why, here's a quick plot-point that thankfully not in any other Dracula adaptation: in this film, Dracula can only get sustinance from virgin blood. If he drinks the blood of a non-virgin he pukes it back up. Since the three oldest daughters are non-virgins, Dracula has no choice but to go after the youngest, who's 14. Mario stops this from happening by raping her!!! Seriously, he rapes a 14-year-old! Making it even worse, another non-virgin is in the house and she's looks older than 14. Mario's solution to make sure she doesn't get turned is to hide her while he kills Dracula. What the f*ck?!? This makes me question Paul Morrissey's sanity since Mario's supposed to be an author avatar for himself.

Suddenly Gerard Butler as Dracula doesn't seem so bad now. Grade: D+

Next-up: Dracula 2000!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 07 2013 at 9:50pm
When I planned out Horror Movie Month 3, I thought that today's review subject, Dracula 2000, would be the worst vampire movie I would review this month. Oh, was I wrong! But, as bad as Blood For Dracula was, Dracula 2000 is still a dumb movie.

There's one good thing about this movie: Christopher Plummer as Van Helsing. Yes, Christopher Plummer is in this movie. He makes the best of his screen-time and the film is better when he's on-screen.

Johnny Lee Miller is incredibly bland as Van Helsing's assistant Simon. He's boring and for reasons unknown to sane humans, has more screen-time than Plummer. During the film, Dracula turns several people into his vampire servants. Several of them die early and by that I mean all the guys die. The three women are very hot, but also very annoying. They're played by Jennifer Esposito,* Seven of Nine, and washed-up recording artist Vitamin C. Justine Waddell is, also, on hand as Van Helsing's ancestor. She's bland as Hell.

As I mentioned when I announced this film, Gerad Butler plays the title character. His performance is just as bad as his other non-300 roles. But the truely heinous thing about the film is the twist. It's one of the dumbest twists in movie history. The twist is Dracula is Judas Iscariot. This is supposed to explain why Dracula is immortal and has all his weaknesses. Yes, really! I think that Van Helsing might have ripped-off this aspect when he's revealed to be the angel Gabriel. If this is true then I think I hate Van Helsing even more, which I previously thought was impossible.

As bad as this one was at least Simon never bangs a 14-year-old. Grade: C-

Next-up: House At The End Of The Street!

*I will say that this film is better than Crash and The Master Of Disguise.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 10 2013 at 8:02pm
Time to review Maximum Overdrive, the directorial debut of horror auteur Stephen King. And the directorial swan-song too.

Despite the suckiness of most of the film, there's a couple of cool parts in the film. The biggest is the "Green Gobilin" truck. It's a truck that has the Green Goblin's face on the grill. It's the truck seen the most in the film and probably the most really memorable thing about the film. The steam-roller scene is another memorable scene. Reportedly, it made George A. Romero sick, which should tell you how gross it is. And then there's the soundtrack by AC/DC which was awesome.

The special effects in the film are bad. Like, really bad. All the effects are bad in the same that Plan 9's effects are: you can see where it's fake. In the scene where the soda machine is firing cans, you can see the tube that's firing them. You can see stuntmen diriving the cars, like the ice cream truck, even though they're supposed to be driving themselves. There's an annoying plot hole in the film. All the machines come alive to attack people. All of them, except all the cars in the parking lot. Seriously, that would have been an awesome scene. The characters think that they're safe and then the headlights of the cars in the lot start turning themselves on row by row and then drive through the truck stop.

Emilio Estevez is incredibly bland in his Razzie-nominated performance as Bill Robinson. It's hard to believe that he was capable of the great performance that he gave in Repo Man when he was in this too. As bad as he is, Yeardley Smith (yes, Lisa Simpson) is even worse. Her performance alternates between screeching annoyingly and whinning annoyingly. Apparantly, Smith really hates this movie and her performance in it. So, no arguments from me their. But the worst part of the film's directing and screenplay, and they done by the same person: Stephen King. The film feels like it was written and directed by a coke-head. Which is actually the truth, since King was addicted to cocaine at the time, which explains so much. King hates the film too, calling it a "moron movie."

Apparantly, the reason why King wanted to direct an adaptation of his work is because he didn't like how some his works were adapted, like The Shining. There's a massive gulf of quality between this film and The Shining. Grade: D-

Next-up: Scream 3!
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Vits Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 11 2013 at 9:18am
What's the difference?
Originally posted by SchumacherH8ter

Her performance alternates between screeching annoyingly and whinning annoyingly.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 11 2013 at 1:07pm
When she screeches annoyingly, she's not saying real words. When she whines annoyingly, she actualy saying words. That sentence was mainly written to show how annoying her performance was.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote SchumacherH8ter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October 11 2013 at 11:31pm
Time to review Scream 3, easily the worst film in the Scream franchise. Now, the film isn't completely awful, but it's still bad.  

The three leads are still good. Neve Campbell is great as Sidney, Courtney Cox is good as Gale, and David Arquette is OK as Dewey. Wes Craven's direction is still on-point.  

The characters that aren't Sidney, Gale, or Dewey suck. Going in, it's not surprising that Jenny McCarthy and Patrick Dempsey are awful. What it surprising is how bad Parker Posey and Emily Mortimer are. Mortimer is bland and Posey is somehow both boring and over-the-top.  

As annoying as those new characters and their actors are, they pale in comparison to the script. Unlike the first two Scream films, this wasn't written by Kevin Williamson. This one was written by Razzie winner Ehren Kruger. The story is boring and the twist makes no damn sense. How did Roman get Sidney's phone number? But even worse than this moronic twist is all the unfunny comedy. This film is the most comedic of the films, and the comedy is bad. Other than Carrie Fisher's cameo, it's brutally unfunny. Jenny McCarthy's performance and the Jay and Silent Bob cameo are the worst of the comedy. The violence is more toned down compared to the other films, but there's a reason for it: this came less than a year after Columbine.

As this review shows, Ehren Kruger was ruining films before Transformers 2. Grade: C+

Next-up: Hannibal Rising!


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