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Joined: April 23 2005
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    Posted: October 18 2011 at 7:03am
IF JERRY BRUCKHEIMER WERE to PRODUCE and MICHAEL BAY to DIRECT the MOST DELIBERATELY DISRESPECTFUL FILM ADAPTATION of a CLASSIC NOVEL EVER MADE...IT WOULD LOOK an AWFUL LOT LIKE WHAT's BEEN DONE to THREE MUSKETEERS in THIS UMP-TEENTH REMAKE/"RE-IMAGINING"...

WHEN WE POSTED EARLIER THIS WEEK THAT THIS WAS the 37th SCREEN VERSION of THIS MATERIAL, WE WERE OFF: FOR ONCE, WE "UNDER-EXAGGERATED": HERE's an IMDb LINK to PERUSE the COMPLETE LIST of SOME 58(!) PREVIOUS VERSIONS/VARIATIONS of THIS SAME MATERIAL. 

THIS TIME OUT, the FILM's MAKERS HAVE KEPT the BARE BONES ESSENTIALS of the ORIGINAL NOVEL (MOST of the  CHARACTER NAMES and the TIME/PLACE SETTING) and THEN THROWN in ELEMENTS SWIPED from JULES VERNE, H.G. WELLS and PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN (IN FACT, THEY EVEN RECRUITED ONE of the ACTORS JETTISONED from THAT FRANCHISE, 2007 WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR NOMINEE ORLANDO BLOOM). IN the PIVOTAL ROLE of LADY deWINTER, THEY'VE CAST 3-TIME RAZZIE® NOMINEE MILLA JOVOVICH -- and APPARENTLY HIRED HER the MARTIAL ARTS INSTRUCTORS from CROUCHING TIGER/HIDDEN DRAGON and THE MATRIX. SLUMMING AROUND the EDGES of THESE CENTRAL CASTING MISTAKES ARE 2009  OSCAR® WINNER CHRISTOPH WALTZ, 19-YEAR-OLD POSTER-BOY-WANNA-BE LOGAN LERMAN and, SADLY, MATTHEW MacFADYEN, WHO WAS SO WONDERFUL in the RECENT BBC REMAKE of LITTLE DORRIT.  

IT IS SOMETHING of a HOLLYWOOD TRADITION THAT, WHEN ADAPTING a NOVEL or PLAY WHOSE AUTHOR HAS LONG SINCE DIED, the ORIGINATOR of the MATERIAL IS STIFFED and NOT GIVEN ANY CREDIT. THE SOLE CLASSY THING THIS FILM's MAKERS HAVE DONE -- and IT WILL LIKELY RESULT in HIS DOING MULTIPLE IN-TOMB ROTATIONS, IS SLATHERED the NAME of the ORIGINAL MUSKETEERS AUTHOR ALL OVER THEIR ADVERTISING. UNFORTUNATELY for HIM, THIS VERSION MAKES ALEXANDRE DUMAS LOOK MORE LIKE 'ALEXANDER DUMB-ASS'... 

TO EXPRESS HOW DISTRESSINGLY DUMB-ASS YOU THINK THIS REMAKE IS, CLICK HERE and FIRE AWAY!   




ORLANDO BLOOM STRIKES a POSE for HIS FANS...
ALL 17 of THEM!  


Ye Olde Head RAZZberry
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